Monday, December 27, 2010

Disappointment has a name......

GIVE ME A ...... J




OK - I'll stop there

I use to believe people when they told me things. I am a "trust from the beginning" kind of girl. That goes for friendships & relationships. But the past few years it has been burned into my brain that everyone lies .... and almost everyone is ok with lying.

Not me.

From the beginning the sweetness flowed. One compliment after the other. One promise after the other. AND without me asking for any of it.

"All I want is you"

"I want to take care of you forever"

"It feels like we could last forever"

"You are everything I could ever want"

"I have never had anyone make me feel this way and I hope it lasts forever"

BLAH BLAH BLAH.....shut up

3 weeks of NON STOP words from what i know now is his tiny little cold heart.

AND I fell for it. My very first impression a year ago was to run (see previous post). But there was something so different about him now. A kindness in his eyes, a sweetness in his smile. I felt SO wrong for having judged him before. How could I have almost passed him by?

but now I know first impression was true. DOUCHE to the TENTH power. How can someone be so cold. How can the most masculine such a coward vagina now? and how the HELL did he trick me into believing he was a good person?

he managed to take a conversation where i was trying to share something personal with him - and turn it into a chance to hurt my feelings. OK JASSHOLE - I get that there's some scorned girl who still wants you ..... and you feel guilty for jumping into things with me when she is hurting.

thanks for making me feel MO
RE LESS valuable than I already did.

Thank you for sharing with me. Thank you for stomping on my heart. Thank you for taking the confidence I DID have and pureeing it into nothing.

How easy it is for me to easy all those messages. Delete all those emails. But how do I erase them from my mind?

If he can do this much damaged in 4 weeks, then i am headed for doom.

Amazing how a little twinkle of hate can make the biggest heart shut down.


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I'm not in it to win it, I'm in it for you ......

I am throwing it all on the table. I am wishing on the stars....and praying that THIS amazing person is the one God has planned for me to share my life with.

there is someone that seriously breezed through my life a year ago and this past weekend reappeared. And I can only hope that the year in between was to allow both of us to grow. I am amazed and in awe at how much I adore him so quickly.

I can only hope that this will work .....and if not, I will feel i missed out on the best relationship I could have ever is all I have.

While everybody else is getting out of bed

I’m usually getting in it
I’m not in it to win it
And there’s a thousand ways you can skin it
My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Remember winger
I digress
I confess you are the best thing in my life
But I’m afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There’s no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

If it’s love

And we decide that it’s forever
No one else could do it better
If it’s love
And we’re two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
And if I’m addicted to loving you
And you’re addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That’s enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own

Can’t be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne
’cause it’s poison
We can travel to Spain where the rain falls

Mainly on the plain side and sing
’cause it is we can laugh we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything
Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

You can move in
I won’t ask where you’ve been
’cause everybody has a past
When we’re older
We’ll do it all over again
When everybody else is getting out of bed
I’m usually getting in it
I’m not in it to win it
I’m in it for

Train, If It's Love

Monday, November 22, 2010

It's all the same if everybody leaves her.......

She hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.

She swears that there's no difference,

Between the lies and compliments.

It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

She's given boys what they want, tried to act so nonchalant,

Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.

She's perfect but only in her imperfections.

She would change everything for happy ever after.

She's not a drama queen, she doesn't want to feel this way

She's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's OK.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.

Caught in the in-between, a beautiful..... disaster

Where do you move when what you're moving from is yourself?

I found myself fighting for a chance, but this is who I really am....inside.

Friday, November 12, 2010

I love ketchup....

but this is a different kind of catch up :)

I have a few blogs sitting as drafts. Some happy, some sad and i can;t seem to bring them to life on my blog. so they will sit for now. But here are a few pictures from the past few months to "ketchup"!

Halloween of course!!! Prom night massacre. We headed to Dixies to see Ke$ha. She was so awesome in concert!

I worked many a beer fest .... one of my favorite things to do, and panther games too!

Made pickles with Mr. BIG DILL (whom i am crushing on) and made personalized wine bottles for my step-brother's wedding that is this coming weekend.

311 concert and many others with Melissa and my normal weekend fun with my BF Amy

and spent some quality time with my kitties :)

well that's not all, but a little of what I've been up to!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I miss you .....

"oh, i miss You so.......the feeling of forever
oh, what pulls at my heart hurts to remember

i had a fleeting thought this morning and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are"

When I have time to myself I like to listen to music that really allows me to think about my life. All the good and bad, all those people and things that have come and gone. I just sit and miss ….. I miss people. I miss places. And I wonder….do they feel me, missing them? Do they ever sit and think of me or things that I may have been part of?

Does anyone miss me?

My best friend……wow. That term could actually include a few souls.

Dan. Gone from this place. I miss his long hippy hair. His laugh. I miss the way his voice on the phone always relaxed me and how he could find the perfect song to lift my mood. I thank him for teaching me how to find connections with every person i meet.

Joslyn. I miss her friendship. I miss the way she could make me laugh so hard I would cry. I miss the fact that I felt like we were so connected without words. I miss how she trusted me with the most intimate thing.

PeePee. Yes, my cat. I miss his sweet loving eyes. I miss waking up in the middle of the night because I felt him starring at me. I miss that LOVE you hard that he'd drool. I miss that he would let me treat him however i wanted and love me back. I miss him running to be near me when i cried. I miss him. Period

my family.

my great grand mother. her loving hands and rocking chair. her food. her smile. and her purse in church full of candy.

my grand father. Cigarette in both hands. A big sense of humor and the best laugh. And the back yard of their house when i was little.

All of my great aunts. the stories. the family gatherings. the feeling that i was surrounded by women that were JUST like me. Always being welcomed and loved.

Past affairs of the heart

My first love...the one i should have never let get so close. The one who taught me to be in the moment and let the world go. Those eyes....I miss the way they would look at me without judgment. I miss that passion to be with me that he carried.

I won't go into details of actual relationships of the's sad really, when a bond just disappears. But I could list more than one thing I miss about anyone who I have had a connection with that is no longer close to me. I would hope they would hold me somewhere in their heart.


I guess i miss the feeling of places. I miss Josh's driveway, just spending time looking over charlotte. I miss Camp Tekoa. I miss the feeling that I experienced going there when i was younger. My great grandmothers house. The back yard of the house i grew up in. So many places have so many moments, so I guess it's the moment I miss.

Not exactly sure where I was going with this post, but I have been writing it for days. I just felt like I needed to write down the things I still carry in my heart. And always will. Since I can't really express these things to those i think about the most, this seemed to be a good way of letting some of it out. So if you ever wonder .... yes, I probably miss something about you. :)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I'm still here!

I have been so busy the past few weeks. I have a lot of blogging and blog reading to catch up on! I have a new temporary roommate that i have known for years.... he has stocked my fridge and is cleaning daily :) a male maid & cook .... OK!!! I have been on several blind dates, a few were fun and one or two .... I can see why these guys are still single! Example: 41 years old, works at a bank and he tells me "Most women lie about their age and weight when it comes to blind dates. But you are pretty much just like your picture. And as for your weight, you just carry it mostly below the waist" WTF????????????? OMG - then he proceeded to tell me that my choice in neighborhoods to hang out in was not well thought out. I love Noda here in charlotte. It's our artistic... you can be anybody, neighborhood. He says "people that hang out over there are all tattooed up and smoke THE CHRONIC" - what? did he really use that word? OH YES, and more than once. So.... this is why I refuse to date anyone in their 40's. I would love to be proven wrong though but I am certain that is NOT going to happen! Anyhoo here are some catch up pics....trips, bdays, weddings!!!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Happy Birthday to Me???

35 is quickly closing in. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, but as the last few days of 34 wind down….I can’t help but panic a little. I keep telling myself it’s no big deal, but the fact that I will be closer to 40 than 30. (if you read back to my previous b-day post you’ll see my thought process has always been the same). A friend reminded me last night that I will STILL be closer to 1 than 100 so to CALM DOWN. Last night as I was running trivia at DG Bar I made the mistake of telling the bartender about up upcoming doom. He then proceeded to tell EVERYONE in the bar that my birthday was coming.

Now, in normal Erin fashion I kept telling people I’d be 28. Most believed me but
one group of fellows wanted proof ----- as in they thought I was YOUNGER. When they finally convinced me to show my id, they all sat in complete silence as they passed it around. Then one, who sounded as if he was going through puberty, says “wow….there’s hope for the future”. And they all started laughing. And the compliments and competition for my attention started. The last lingering guy managed to corner me as he was leaving (22 years old and in law school) and he says I can only hope I will be as exciting and young as you are in my 30’s. AND if not, I hope the girl I am with is JUST LIKE YOU. Then he asked me for my number. I politely said no. I do have to say it was flattering, but at the same time….there are guys I use to babysit that are older than this boys.

I don’t want to grow up.

I don’t want to grow old.

I don’t want to ever be less than who I am now.

I like
who I am, so who cares if I am closer to 40? (well, me of course) but maybe for now that will just be our little secret.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Oh my god .... ME TOO

It is funny to me how telling someone a story from my past can create a bond that might have never happened and vise versa. In spending time with some work folks in NJ I had the opportunity to really talk to some of the people i support. And in doing so got to share some of the amazing (and embarrassing) events that have brought me to where I am today. And in doing so, I heard more than once (out of a grown mans mouth) "Oh my God, me too." In that moment a bond was formed. And WOW - how I am over joyed about it. I am learning that no matter where i am, or what i am doing, the person beside me has some story to tell. Even if it's how much we both hate waiting in line, how they lost a pet, or how they love the song that is playing. Taking that moment and sharing something can create such a bond. I have many friends in my life that actually stemmed from small conversations either in stores, bars, at work, or just out and about. I use to hate the fact the strangers were drawn to talk to me, but now i welcome it. (Sometimes they are a little creepy.... but you just take two steps back!!).

Anyhoo ... that's my thought for today. Oh and the bad mood from the last post is all gone!! Even with a few disappointing moments lately I am all smiles and cartwheels.

And here, just to add a picture is my sweet Hurley (aka Buddy).

Awe, what a life he has.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

oscar the grouch

"Wow, what a bad mood you're in"

I have heard that today from 3 people and it's only half over. For some reason I am ill. Tired and feeling that old feeling of just wanting to punch a baby. (that just made me laugh ... cause that would be HORRIBLE to actually do that)

I am just tired. I feel like the old mean jaded Erin today. Lucky for me i know I will fall asleep tonight with a list of things i thank God for .... and in the morning the bad mood will be gone. I do have to share that all those old feelings are stirred up today. I am SO tired of allowing myself to get stepped on. Even with my new found freedom of 'being the best me' I am finding that my feelings are still being hurt. I am sick and tired of going to SECOND weddings of people when I am nowhere close to being married. I am TIRED of ex's whining to me about not receiving love when what I offered was obviously not enough. I am SICK of meeting people that i think are so amazing only to compare myself to them ...making me think I am boring. Lately i have been having some really bad luck. Locked myself out, wrecked my truck, a bird died on my windshield, two broken windows 2 weeks in a row at the house, AND a creepy "You smell fantastic" note on my door. (there's no one i can imagine would have written that).

I had a friend say "Wow, Karma is coming to get you" but NO.... karma? The past 6 months I have done nothing but bend over backwards helping people. FUCK - my entire life. Going out of my way to help no, not Karma. I just want to know when it's my turn.

again, tomorrow is a new day.....maybe Karma and I can have a drink tonight and come to an agreement.

Monday, April 19, 2010

A few years ago I started suffering from sever nightmares & actual night terrors. The nightmares were enough to wake myself up either screaming or crying. The doctor believed it was due to stress and not being in the best health. So I changed things. I started watching t.v. before bed, something light and funny. I started eating better and watching what I ate before bed. I starting going to bed earlier. Things managed to become a lot better. I found in trying to sleep more soundly that when I did wake up from a bad episode that talking about whatever I was dreaming about actually helped (in the case of a night terror I had NO clue what the dream was about). At some points I would be so deep in sleep and a dream that my bed-partner would actually have to SHAKE me to wake me up at which point uncontrollable sobbing would occur. I remember many times waking up and feeling as if I NEEDED to take care of whatever bad event had happened in my dream. In some situations I would call whoever I was dreaming about, check the cat to make sure he was breathing, or just drop to my knees and beg God to make them stop. I am lucky enough to have beat whatever stresses were causing me to have such horrible nights. I have not had an episode except for one at a friends house a week or so ago. Lucky for him, the pounding of my heart actually woke me up before I was too into whatever was going on in my brain. I am not sure what caused this last one, as I have managed to remove SO much stress in my life and really feel HAPPY now. BUT …. Last night was a different story. I woke myself up gasping for air and sobbing SO HARD. I remember my dream, I actually CAN NOT seem to stop thinking about it today. Unfortunately for me it was about someone who is now deceased and in my dream they were actually telling me what I could have done to save them. What a horrible dream. For people who do not have nightmares …. They will never understand. It’s like having the worst day of your life OVER AND OVER again. And NOT being able to change things. When these do happen for me they are about being caught in a fire, being attacked, friends & family dying, being lied to by a that someone special, and the WORLD ENDING. They are not about unimportant silly things. So ….. I woke myself up with a huge gasp, and because talking about it is good for me …… I talked to the CAT. Yep. I didn’t really think there would be anyone awake at 5am that would want to chat about it, so Lu Lu was my go too. She was very helpful too as she snuggled up next to me to help me fall back asleep! All I know is I DO NOT want to go back to having this happen every night. So....suggestions? Ideas? Inappropriate jokes? I am awake and listening!

I refuse to be tormented while I am sleeping.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

There.... i said it!

I have issues.

Issues with myself, and issues in relationships.
Can't deny it, so this is me admitting it.

I have a crapload of issues.

I'm severely insecure. I'm jealous.
I suffer from depression. I overanalyze.
I fall too hard after fighting to not fall at all.
I'm stubborn, and I'm pretty much always right.
I naively want the forever-kinda-love.

So that's me. And I've always let these things ruin me.
Bring me lower, and blame myself for failures.

But y'know what? Fuck that.

I'm also pretty friggin' awesome.
I'm insanely loyal. I'm overly supportive.
I love TOO deeply. But do not regret it.
I'd give you everything I owned if it would make you happy.

I'm fun. I'll make you laugh until you can only cry.
I'll drink beer with you and sing loudly, but you'll be amused by it.
I'll sit and watch the game with you. And enjoy it.
I'll be in my element at a concert with you. And you'll enjoy it.
I'll make you wonder where I've been all your life.
And I'll make you love me.

So if I've allowed myself to be beaten down by others in the past,
or to feel unappreciated and unwanted,
and just plain not good enough...

That's their issue.

We all have many flaws.
But I will no longer let you, or anyone, make me feel like less
because of mine.

And now i am a little thief ... thanks to my possible twin separated at birth..... Kris !!!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Driving Alone

It is funny how the only time I really like to be alone is when I am driving. I could always associate with the song " In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel because of the famous line "when I want to run away I drive off in my car”. I always tend to run to my car when I am upset or need time alone. I have been learning that the reason I do this is because of a few pretty simple things.

First, I am the one in control. Control of where I go, what I see, what I hear….and where I end up. Second, because I am surrounded by windows and at most times have a clear view of the sky. I always feel more hopeful when I can see the sky, towards Him. Third, I get to be consumed by the music that I choose. I can be full of rage and belt out loud full of emotions songs. It allows me to get out all of my aggression. Or if I am in a great place I can listen to music that either takes me back to wonderful places in my life or some song I may have just found and explore what comes out as I drive. Some times I end up out in the country, singing with the windows down. And sometimes I end up in my driveway, tears streaming not wanting to leave the comfort of my car, the sky, and the music.

This thought actually seemed from this morning. I was thinking about how I am sometimes moved my instrumental music in the oddest places. At work in the bathroom – or course – the range of music is actually pretty amazing. This morning I found myself just standing by the sink so I could enjoy an acoustic guitar solo that made me think about something that happened when I was 19. It was a wonderful, yet very moving and personal tug at my heart right there in the bathroom. I love these artist and musicians for being so giving of their talents. I would give up many things in my life to be able to move someone as much as this music moves me.

I had someone ask me what song I felt MOST reflected my life. ONE SONG? I would have an endless list of such a wide genre of music that there is no way I could ever narrow it down to one. I am lucky enough to have a huge spectrum of types of friends who have helped me learn to appreciate all types of music, culture, and lifestyles. And then I have a few friends look at me cross-eyed when I show emotion towards a song. How can you hear the music or hear the words and NOT be moved? All I can say is, I am thankful for the connection that I feel to music, because I know it is a lasting TRUE thing. And it makes me feel more alive!


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

catching up.....

So just to catch up on some good pics….

a few St Patty’s pictures.

And yesterday I had an old co-worker from the YMCA forward me an email she found that I had written many years ago about my usual day at the why answer the help-desk line. This one…. Really makes me laugh!!! I do miss that place AND the people I came in contact with when I worked there.

From: Melton, Erin
Sent: Wednesday, July 19, 2006 5:11 PM
Subject: this has been my day
  • No - I am NOT your travel agent – I can not tell you the cheapest place for you to stay while you are here in charlotte.
  • No - I can not help you get a free membership
  • No - I can not give you directions to the Y in Atlanta.
  • No - I can not transfer you to the health department.
  • No - this is not social services.
  • No - we do not have a bed here for the teenager you don’t want living with you anymore.
  • No - you may not speak to the CEO about how the pool is always too cold for you – or how you are mad we let children swim in our pools.
  • No - we do not only let men in –
  • No - we will not help you pay your bills – we do not give away money
  • No - this is not the Belmont YMCA –
  • No - my name is not Charlotte.
  • No - No one here want to talk to you about our printing needs.
  • No - there is no one here named Sharika.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I have a few singers who move me.... some are based on how they move my faith, some my heart, and others because they make me think. Shane & Shane, Breaking Benjamin, Amos Lee, Paramore, 30 Seconds to Mars, Sarah McLachlan, Sun Kil Moon (my new one), and some really old ones Jellyfish, Gene, and some random folk singers that spark memories when i hear them. But today i was listening to this one by Amos Lee and found myself remembering a feeling back in December just like this. Almost like ...I am trapped. I can either play along and deal or be stuck outside staring through a window. It makes me sad, that i felt that way. But glad that i chose to turn and never look in that window again. (This may not make sense unless you know who and what i am talking about.) Anyhoo..... thanks Amos.

And no one says a word to me

They're concerned with my jealousy
Well I guess that's how it's gotta be
From now on

And time, it swallows everything
From the mighty to the meager thing
And it's as dark as it is comforting
To play along

Well what's been going on?
What's been going on?
What's been going on?
Around here

There goes her old beat up car
Outside of our old favorite bar
She's proudly in there playing her guitar
With stars in her eyes

Those are some of my favorite memories
All of those carefree melodies
While I'm out of here on this raging sea
About to capsize

Well what's been going on?
What's been going on?
What's been going on?
Around here

What's been going on?
What's been going on?
What's been going on?
Around here

And no one says a word to me
They're concerned with my jealousy
I guess that's how it's gotta be
From now on

Monday, March 15, 2010

15 years ....

I was surprised to wake up this morning in a such a somber mood. Other than being really busy lately, I have been in the cheerful mood and incredibly positive! But today there was just something a little off. After doing a handful of expense reports and staring at an agenda I realized that as of today it has been 15 years... 15 years since my best friend passed away. I can still remember the last conversation I ever had with him. He called me, thinking I could help him. That if he could just have me around him I could fix his problems. "I do not see my future"..... and that was it. I made plans to go see him that following weekend but midway through the week I awoke to my sobbing and frantic mother trying to lift out of the bed to look at the tv. Two mangled cars, sobbing students, and firetrucks. Within a few hours my phone was ringing non-stop. Friends who attended college with him all calling me to make sure i knew. Knew what? I could not stop paging him (yes I said paging). hoping he call. Hoping that it just wasn't him. At the funeral the church was overflowing with people. When the path was right, Dan managed to positively influence a lot people. Unfortunately, at the funeral I learned that he was under many influences when he wrecked. He had two passengers in the car with him, and hit another car head on. Oh my sweet best friend ..... "I do not see my future". How that voice and his tone will forever ring in my brain. I will hear it no more.... when my own heart stops beating. I have my faith and my mother to thank for getting me through those horrible times after Dan died. Being hopeless, angry, confused. Looking back it seems as if it was all a tv show. his mother rushing to hug me, the song "Daniel" playing in the car on the way home, and me crying so hard that I felt like everything was moving in slow motion. If he had only known how many people loved him.... and how many people would miss him. And how much I STILL miss him. 15 years later.....

Life is so short and i have always been a believer in being NOTHING LESS than yourself with anyone you encounter. I learned that from Dan. I think about the friends I have now and how heart wrenching it would be to lose one. I know that when i think about Dan, the emotions of a 19 year old rush back. And i feel hopeless all over again. I want to go back to that last call with him and tell him I am on my way .... to fix things. I miss you, Daniel Wilson Berry! You will always be my best friend!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Behind the wheel

So the other night thanks to a conversation about driving a “big rig” and wanting to be a race car driver I had some very interesting dreams. All made even more exciting due to the fact of my brakes not working in each dream. Most of which involved me heading down a hill towards an airport while driving a “big rig” like a race car driver. I have always been a, what some would say, BAD driver. I think I am a good driver. I mean …. Whom else can take a pick-up truck onto two wheels while going about 90 mph around a sharp curve? ME, or course. And my passenger, well, may be in need of new shorts but the driver just pulls her baseball cap down a little tighter and keeps on speeding!

Back to the point ….So in my free time while being sick the past two days I started thinking about those dreams. Some people believe dreams are always trying to tell you something. When I think about driving that tractor-trailer I can only think that the vessel represents all that makes me who I am. My past, hopes for the future, the stress I carry for others, and all the tasks I take on that weigh me down. And how maybe the dream was telling me it’s time to unload or get rid of some of that weight. Yes, all from a little conversation before bed, right?

Don’t get me wrong. I am proud of who I am. Where I am going. And those I have been fortunate enough to give a ride to along the way. BUT I can only think about how I felt in those moments of panic when the breaks didn’t work. Thinking about how bad all those things crashing forward would feel. Losing control of it all could NOT be a good thing. Now lately in my life I have taken a few measures to actually take care of myself…. before others. Doing this action, which normally comes easy for most people, makes me feel like the most selfish person in the world. But I do understand that taking on other people’s problems has caused my load to become too heavy for me. As I get older I have realized that by “being there” for everyone who needed me I have sabotaged relationships and my future success at certain points in my life. I will admit there were days so full that I laid down to sleep and thought, "oh I didn't eat today". But how do I say no? How do I keep to the road and not get off track helping someone who has always been able to depend on me. A close friend the other day told me he felt that if I continued being there for certain people I would actually be doing them more harm than good. I guess when you keep falling into the same hole over and over again, why would you ever learn to go around it if there is always that hand to help you? Again, how do I say no?

I have always been the friend to get out of bed at 3am to answer the phone, the relative to go out into the dark night to help family, the Godmother to put all things aside for a 13 year old who got into trouble, the stranger who sat on the side of the road with an elderly woman so she would not be alone, and the driver to hand over my fast food order at the red light to a homeless person, because he truly looked hungry. I will always be this person. Always. (that was all in just a one week span). So I have to figure out how to still be “there” and yet trade this "big rig" in for something smaller, with room for a passenger (preferably one who loves me) and a back seat for a kid (or two) one day.

And yet …. In the middle of typing this my phone rang. Someone needs me.

Maybe I just need to find a partner who will understand that I must save the world whenever possible. If I wore a mask & a cape, would it help? .....

oh and I never analyzed the driving to the airport portion of my dream …..I wonder where I was going? Somewhere sunny I hope!

Friday, February 19, 2010

a hit right to the heart .....

Valentines day proved to be a good one. A friends boyfriend cooked dinner for some of us singe girls including flowers and chocolates! It was a very sweet gesture.

My night ended with a friend from MANY years ago telling me his true feelings for me ..... but ....uh, no. Oh, and dancing and singing Single Ladies did happen.... but no snap shots of it.

(this pic of Lu to the right is her writing a letter to her papa (my ex) telling him she is sending him poop for v-day!!)

I found out yesterday that only after a month and a half of being broken up, the EX who said "I've never been single and feel like i need to take time to just figure things out and get things in order" is actually dating someone. Part of me wanted to laugh .... dating? If you've never been single, then i already know where this one is headed. He actually called me to TELL me he was dating some girl. My ex's all break up with me and accidentally get the next girl prego. (One was actually a stripper). I can admit that it really hurts. Even with all the positive thinking and really trying to LOOK at him and talk myself out of feeling sad.....finding out there is already a replacement is a hit right to the heart. Doesn't our relationship deserve some mourning time? I mean, I was JUST in your bed 2 weeks ago .... it's not even cold. (A bed that is in a house I helped you find, covered with my parents bedspread!!) I know that line gets used on many girls - "space" but we continued to talk once a day if not more....... wtf??? I am still trying to remain positive.

I am CERTAIN there is something I am to learn from this - but GOD would you please just post it on a billboard next time instead of slowly and painfully grinding my heart into the carpet? I guess it still bothers me that I felt I never really got a chance with the ex. And now some random girl gets to come in after all the hard work I put into things. He was always one step away due to his past relationship. Due to being in a selfish place. And due to being ......well, maybe not what God actually wanted for me.

I am sad, again. What's new.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

trying my darnest ....

Yes, I am trying my hardest to remain positive and so far .....


With the passing of Pee and all the other reasons listed in the past posts to be upset about, I have a new found outlook that I have decided to live for today and STOP letting the past or others RUIN a.n.y.m.o.r.e of my life!!!! (only occasionally do I tear up from memories)

BUT .......with Valentine's Day approaching I can't help but be reminded that I lost my two favorite boys in a matter of a month. (again...the Ex boyfriend and my Sweet Pee Kitty)

BUT as I look back over all of my V-day's of the past ....I am reminded that they have never really been that great even if there was a special guy in my life. Now don't get me wrong, in some cases I can say that sweetness abounded from some of my ex's most days of the year .... i was lucky in those situations. And in others....the V day was just a day to be disappointed. I mean how hard is it to buy a card and some candy .... come on. And for those guys who say they don't get caught up in the hype that is V day - you are WRONG. You should always take the chance to tell your lady that she is special. And V Day is a good day to do it.

ANY WAY ------

SO this year I will go into it knowing that ANYTHING sweet that happens...
is out of love and not expectation.

And if the day ends without a smile from the opposite sex, then me and my sweet lady LuLu will do a little dance around my house to "Single ladies" and cuddle with each other!!!

Pictures may follow!! :)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

good bye to the love of my life

Oh God .....I can not type what happened,
or how I feel that my heart has died.
All I can say is good bye to my best friend, the love of my life,
and the one I told all my secrets.
My life was SO MUCH GREATER because of you.
I will miss you every moment of my life.
I tried to fix you.

I KNOW how much you loved me and YOU know i loved you MORE.
I will never forget my sweet Pee.

R.I.P sweet Pee Pee

Monday, January 11, 2010

Breaking up is like being buried...... but not dying.

I read this once somewhere and now i actually understand it ~ "Never make a man a priority when he only makes you an option". Amazing to me how hard i feel like i have worked for things to be good .... just to come to an end. The past 2 weeks have been hard, but luckily God has managed to keep me busy with good things, and bad things. Either way i have had little time to sit and cry over someone who seems to have moved on so quickly.

1. My little Pee kitty is getting old. His kidneys seem to be working less, he has lost 7 lbs, and looks like he has a headache. The vet says we just need to get his diabetes under control, but when they stop eating .... how long can you beg a cat to eat? he just looks at me with those pitiful eyes. The vet says he's not in pain, but i swear he looks at me like I am being mean to him.

2. My sister's boyfriend hit her new years day. In front of his parents. While she was holding their 6 month old baby. Pushed them both into the Christmas tree.Punched her in the face and head a few times. The baby was ok.....thank god. He spent some time in jail after. They think he was 'on' something. His family has promised to keep him away, but he is ANGRY - more than ANGRY. He goes back to court in 2 weeks. Restraining order is in processing. But as for now the family is on call. I will have to stay with her, be the nannie, sleep on the doorstep..... whatever it takes .... to keep her and sweet Peyton safe.

3. Back to the break up. Things were great over NYE. Spent the weekend in the mountains with friends. Had a ball. Then came back to reality. He says he wants to be friends. thinks we should be able to hang out still in a group and it not be a big deal. I tried to explain that it hurts too bad. that watching him leave at the end of the night .... without me ...would break my heart all over again. He just doesn't get it. He says he still has some of "those feelings" for me, that he misses me ..... misses lots of stuff about me .....grrrrrrr..... He says in time I will understand why he did it. That we could have stayed in this place forever, but would have never really been happy. I need time, space, not to see his face to get over this pain. Please..... I feel like i have been buried alive. Funny thing is, I really think I am taking this break up better than I thought i would. I refuse to waste time crying over someone, who I know is not mourning the loss of me.

On a positive note i have been spending a lot more time with my friends. I have really been able to get to know a few of the new ones better due to this break up. I even got a pat on the back from one of the guys .."I must admit sweetie, I really think you are taking this like a trooper. We all know he loves you and you did him. And I know how much this must hurt your heart. But you are really showing us what you are worth by trying to move forward. Don't let this make you feel like you are worthless because we ALL know you are not". Now coming from the fellow that said actually means more than the words could possibly every read. :)