It amazes me how in the course of a few hours I can actually experience SO many emotions. Most of which are self inflicted. Some good and some bad. Any time i have a second to stop and just think... I tend to go to the bad stuff instead of good. Like thinking about how BADLY things could go, instead of how great my life generally is. I have been told for the past few days by many people - that I need to realize just how wonderful I really am, instead of constantly worrying that I am not enough, not worthy of love, or just being mean to myself. I am my biggest enemy. I know this about myself. I can look in the mirror and tell myself that I am great and deserve to be happy, but at the same time I am not actually looking at myself ... just through me. I am SO good at filling others tanks... building them up... taking care of others. But I am so mean and uncaring of myself. I know this is something that may never change for me. But I hope sooner than later I do on some level decide that I am worth more than what I think now. I heard a radio message the other day ....
"take one day this week and write down everything negative that you think about yourself for 24 hours. Then take that paper and give it to your best friend. Tell them it is about THEM and not you and see if they would still be your friend. See just how they react to all those negative things."
Funny because today my day went like this so far
1. you are old and this body is just not going to get any better
2. why can you not be better looking?
3. no wonder you can't keep a boyfriend
4. don't eat that for breakfast ... you are already fat enough
5. you will be alone.... forever (this one comes a few times when I walk past a mirror)
6. God, please just make me someone else
7. those guys are only looking at you because they are laughing not because you are pretty
8.you are not good enough for him...
the list actually goes on. but when i type it I think .... I would NEVER say or even THINK any of these things about my friends. WHY am I not my own friend? What can I do to change this?????