Monday, August 11, 2008

oh what a life.....

It amazes me how in the course of a few hours I can actually experience SO many emotions. Most of which are self inflicted. Some good and some bad. Any time i have a second to stop and just think... I tend to go to the bad stuff instead of good. Like thinking about how BADLY things could go, instead of how great my life generally is. I have been told for the past few days by many people - that I need to realize just how wonderful I really am, instead of constantly worrying that I am not enough, not worthy of love, or just being mean to myself. I am my biggest enemy. I know this about myself. I can look in the mirror and tell myself that I am great and deserve to be happy, but at the same time I am not actually looking at myself ... just through me. I am SO good at filling others tanks... building them up... taking care of others. But I am so mean and uncaring of myself. I know this is something that may never change for me. But I hope sooner than later I do on some level decide that I am worth more than what I think now. I heard a radio message the other day ....
"take one day this week and write down everything negative that you think about yourself for 24 hours. Then take that paper and give it to your best friend. Tell them it is about THEM and not you and see if they would still be your friend. See just how they react to all those negative things."
Funny because today my day went like this so far
1. you are old and this body is just not going to get any better
2. why can you not be better looking?
3. no wonder you can't keep a boyfriend
4. don't eat that for breakfast ... you are already fat enough
5. you will be alone.... forever (this one comes a few times when I walk past a mirror)
6. God, please just make me someone else
7. those guys are only looking at you because they are laughing not because you are pretty
8.you are not good enough for him...
the list actually goes on. but when i type it I think .... I would NEVER say or even THINK any of these things about my friends. WHY am I not my own friend? What can I do to change this?????

3 comments:

Ben Spak said...

Becoming your own friend is the toughest thing I think I have ever done. Occasionally I don't like myself. You know kind of like the best friend that gets annoying after you hang out with them all summer.

I know it works differently for most men and women. But for me finding inner peace was about keeping myself busy, and isolation.

Now this may sound a little skewed, but this is what worked for me. When I say keeping myself busy, I kept ONLY myself busy. That means rarely hanging out with friends. Not doing favors for them. Being down right "selfish" if you were looking for one word. However I did not ask others to do things for me. I just worried about myself. My feelings, my wants, my needs.

I know it's easy to get wrapped up in the day to day. But occasionally take a day and retreat. Relax, find a hobby and get totally submerged in it. Forget about what your friends are doing, who you want to date, ect.

Just do it.

How are friendships strengthened? By spending time with someone. This allows you to go from an acquaintance to a good friend. So don't be a stranger, spend time with yourself.

DO NOT seek happiness or fulfillment in others. This leads to more longing for fulfillment, because you are not taking care of you. See the problem there? lol

Have you ever had a great time with your friends and done stupid crazy stuff but not cared about doing it because you were having too much fun? I'm sure you have. If you are good friends with yourself you can do those things, and not care about it, or care about it less.

The more you stay busy the less time you have to think about what you are doing. So. Just do it.

And let me finish with a relevant quote.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
—Lao-Tze

I say forgo your thoughts. Think with action. Make your actions of doing habitual. Your habits of doing will become your character.

People respect action. Do not seek approval. Do and you will have approval. Do not think about love and you will find it.

You only live (presumably) once. This is here this is now. You get one shot to have fun.

Do what makes you happy. People who like to do what you like to do will be drawn to you. Do not ask them, does this make me happy?

Do what you want. Do what makes YOU happy. Life just seems to fall in place around you.

Act like you are the center of the universe, without being arrogant, or rude. Find the balance. What you want will gravitate towards you.

...As I'm writing this it's funny how what has worked for me is so similar to all of the other self help books out there... But the thing is only YOU can help yourself!

So I used to tool of isolation. Find your tool and use it.

Let me quote Felix Dennis from How To Get Rich. I believe it applies.

"The first step? Just do it
And bluff your way through it.
Remember to duck!
Godspeed...

and Good Luck!"

-Ben

Addiction Help said...

Man do I know this feeling. I have literally recreated the essence of my entire existence multiple times in less than 10 minutes. Although; I think this is also a really cool gift as I get to create it the way I want when I am aware.

Will said...

Try running. It lifts the spirit, and frees the mind. You'll never look back.