I have a few singers who move me.... some are based on how they move my faith, some my heart, and others because they make me think. Shane & Shane, Breaking Benjamin, Amos Lee, Paramore, 30 Seconds to Mars, Sarah McLachlan, Sun Kil Moon (my new one), and some really old ones Jellyfish, Gene, and some random folk singers that spark memories when i hear them. But today i was listening to this one by Amos Lee and found myself remembering a feeling back in December just like this. Almost like ...I am trapped. I can either play along and deal or be stuck outside staring through a window. It makes me sad, that i felt that way. But glad that i chose to turn and never look in that window again. (This may not make sense unless you know who and what i am talking about.) Anyhoo..... thanks Amos.

And no one says a word to me
They're concerned with my jealousy
Well I guess that's how it's gotta be
From now on

And time, it swallows everything
From the mighty to the meager thing
And it's as dark as it is comforting
To play along

Well what's been going on?
What's been going on?
What's been going on?
Around here

There goes her old beat up car
Outside of our old favorite bar
She's proudly in there playing her guitar
With stars in her eyes

Those are some of my favorite memories
All of those carefree melodies
While I'm out of here on this raging sea
About to capsize

Well what's been going on?
What's been going on?
What's been going on?
Around here

What's been going on?
What's been going on?
What's been going on?
Around here

And no one says a word to me
They're concerned with my jealousy
I guess that's how it's gotta be
From now on

15 years ....

I was surprised to wake up this morning in a such a somber mood. Other than being really busy lately, I have been in the cheerful mood and incredibly positive! But today there was just something a little off. After doing a handful of expense reports and staring at an agenda I realized that as of today it has been 15 years... 15 years since my best friend passed away. I can still remember the last conversation I ever had with him. He called me, thinking I could help him. That if he could just have me around him I could fix his problems. "I do not see my future"..... and that was it. I made plans to go see him that following weekend but midway through the week I awoke to my sobbing and frantic mother trying to lift out of the bed to look at the tv. Two mangled cars, sobbing students, and firetrucks. Within a few hours my phone was ringing non-stop. Friends who attended college with him all calling me to make sure i knew. Knew what? I could not stop paging him (yes I said paging). hoping he call. Hoping that it just wasn't him. At the funeral the church was overflowing with people. When the path was right, Dan managed to positively influence a lot people. Unfortunately, at the funeral I learned that he was under many influences when he wrecked. He had two passengers in the car with him, and hit another car head on. Oh my sweet best friend ..... "I do not see my future". How that voice and his tone will forever ring in my brain. I will hear it no more.... when my own heart stops beating. I have my faith and my mother to thank for getting me through those horrible times after Dan died. Being hopeless, angry, confused. Looking back it seems as if it was all a tv show. his mother rushing to hug me, the song "Daniel" playing in the car on the way home, and me crying so hard that I felt like everything was moving in slow motion. If he had only known how many people loved him.... and how many people would miss him. And how much I STILL miss him. 15 years later.....

Life is so short and i have always been a believer in being NOTHING LESS than yourself with anyone you encounter. I learned that from Dan. I think about the friends I have now and how heart wrenching it would be to lose one. I know that when i think about Dan, the emotions of a 19 year old rush back. And i feel hopeless all over again. I want to go back to that last call with him and tell him I am on my way .... to fix things. I miss you, Daniel Wilson Berry! You will always be my best friend!