There.... i said it!

I have issues.

Issues with myself, and issues in relationships.
Can't deny it, so this is me admitting it.

I have a crapload of issues.

I'm severely insecure. I'm jealous.
I suffer from depression. I overanalyze.
I fall too hard after fighting to not fall at all.
I'm stubborn, and I'm pretty much always right.
I naively want the forever-kinda-love.

So that's me. And I've always let these things ruin me.
Bring me lower, and blame myself for failures.

But y'know what? Fuck that.

I'm also pretty friggin' awesome.
I'm insanely loyal. I'm overly supportive.
I love TOO deeply. But do not regret it.
I'd give you everything I owned if it would make you happy.

I'm fun. I'll make you laugh until you can only cry.
I'll drink beer with you and sing loudly, but you'll be amused by it.
I'll sit and watch the game with you. And enjoy it.
I'll be in my element at a concert with you. And you'll enjoy it.
I'll make you wonder where I've been all your life.
And I'll make you love me.

So if I've allowed myself to be beaten down by others in the past,
or to feel unappreciated and unwanted,
and just plain not good enough...

That's their issue.

We all have many flaws.
But I will no longer let you, or anyone, make me feel like less
because of mine.

And now i am a little thief ... thanks to my possible twin separated at birth..... Kris !!!

Driving Alone

It is funny how the only time I really like to be alone is when I am driving. I could always associate with the song " In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel because of the famous line "when I want to run away I drive off in my car”. I always tend to run to my car when I am upset or need time alone. I have been learning that the reason I do this is because of a few pretty simple things.

First, I am the one in control. Control of where I go, what I see, what I hear….and where I end up. Second, because I am surrounded by windows and at most times have a clear view of the sky. I always feel more hopeful when I can see the sky, towards Him. Third, I get to be consumed by the music that I choose. I can be full of rage and belt out loud full of emotions songs. It allows me to get out all of my aggression. Or if I am in a great place I can listen to music that either takes me back to wonderful places in my life or some song I may have just found and explore what comes out as I drive. Some times I end up out in the country, singing with the windows down. And sometimes I end up in my driveway, tears streaming not wanting to leave the comfort of my car, the sky, and the music.

This thought actually seemed from this morning. I was thinking about how I am sometimes moved my instrumental music in the oddest places. At work in the bathroom – or course – the range of music is actually pretty amazing. This morning I found myself just standing by the sink so I could enjoy an acoustic guitar solo that made me think about something that happened when I was 19. It was a wonderful, yet very moving and personal tug at my heart right there in the bathroom. I love these artist and musicians for being so giving of their talents. I would give up many things in my life to be able to move someone as much as this music moves me.

I had someone ask me what song I felt MOST reflected my life. ONE SONG? I would have an endless list of such a wide genre of music that there is no way I could ever narrow it down to one. I am lucky enough to have a huge spectrum of types of friends who have helped me learn to appreciate all types of music, culture, and lifestyles. And then I have a few friends look at me cross-eyed when I show emotion towards a song. How can you hear the music or hear the words and NOT be moved? All I can say is, I am thankful for the connection that I feel to music, because I know it is a lasting TRUE thing. And it makes me feel more alive!

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catching up.....

So just to catch up on some good pics….

a few St Patty’s pictures.

And yesterday I had an old co-worker from the YMCA forward me an email she found that I had written many years ago about my usual day at the why answer the help-desk line. This one…. Really makes me laugh!!! I do miss that place AND the people I came in contact with when I worked there.

From: Melton, Erin
Sent: Wednesday, July 19, 2006 5:11 PM
Subject: this has been my day

• No - I am NOT your travel agent – I can not tell you the cheapest place for you to stay while you are here in charlotte.
• No - I can not help you get a free membership
• No - I can not give you directions to the Y in Atlanta.
• No - I can not transfer you to the health department.
• No - this is not social services.
• No - we do not have a bed here for the teenager you don’t want living with you anymore.
• No - you may not speak to the CEO about how the pool is always too cold for you – or how you are mad we let children swim in our pools.
• No - we do not only let men in –
• No - we will not help you pay your bills – we do not give away money
• No - this is not the Belmont YMCA –
• No - my name is not Charlotte.
• No - No one here want to talk to you about our printing needs.
• No - there is no one here named Sharika.

I have a few singers who move me.... some are based on how they move my faith, some my heart, and others because they make me think. Shane & Shane, Breaking Benjamin, Amos Lee, Paramore, 30 Seconds to Mars, Sarah McLachlan, Sun Kil Moon (my new one), and some really old ones Jellyfish, Gene, and some random folk singers that spark memories when i hear them. But today i was listening to this one by Amos Lee and found myself remembering a feeling back in December just like this. Almost like ...I am trapped. I can either play along and deal or be stuck outside staring through a window. It makes me sad, that i felt that way. But glad that i chose to turn and never look in that window again. (This may not make sense unless you know who and what i am talking about.) Anyhoo..... thanks Amos.

And no one says a word to me
They're concerned with my jealousy
Well I guess that's how it's gotta be
From now on

And time, it swallows everything
From the mighty to the meager thing
And it's as dark as it is comforting
To play along

Well what's been going on?
What's been going on?
What's been going on?
Around here

There goes her old beat up car
Outside of our old favorite bar
She's proudly in there playing her guitar
With stars in her eyes

Those are some of my favorite memories
All of those carefree melodies
While I'm out of here on this raging sea
About to capsize

Well what's been going on?
What's been going on?
What's been going on?
Around here

What's been going on?
What's been going on?
What's been going on?
Around here

And no one says a word to me
They're concerned with my jealousy
I guess that's how it's gotta be
From now on

15 years ....

I was surprised to wake up this morning in a such a somber mood. Other than being really busy lately, I have been in the cheerful mood and incredibly positive! But today there was just something a little off. After doing a handful of expense reports and staring at an agenda I realized that as of today it has been 15 years... 15 years since my best friend passed away. I can still remember the last conversation I ever had with him. He called me, thinking I could help him. That if he could just have me around him I could fix his problems. "I do not see my future"..... and that was it. I made plans to go see him that following weekend but midway through the week I awoke to my sobbing and frantic mother trying to lift out of the bed to look at the tv. Two mangled cars, sobbing students, and firetrucks. Within a few hours my phone was ringing non-stop. Friends who attended college with him all calling me to make sure i knew. Knew what? I could not stop paging him (yes I said paging). hoping he call. Hoping that it just wasn't him. At the funeral the church was overflowing with people. When the path was right, Dan managed to positively influence a lot people. Unfortunately, at the funeral I learned that he was under many influences when he wrecked. He had two passengers in the car with him, and hit another car head on. Oh my sweet best friend ..... "I do not see my future". How that voice and his tone will forever ring in my brain. I will hear it no more.... when my own heart stops beating. I have my faith and my mother to thank for getting me through those horrible times after Dan died. Being hopeless, angry, confused. Looking back it seems as if it was all a tv show. his mother rushing to hug me, the song "Daniel" playing in the car on the way home, and me crying so hard that I felt like everything was moving in slow motion. If he had only known how many people loved him.... and how many people would miss him. And how much I STILL miss him. 15 years later.....

Life is so short and i have always been a believer in being NOTHING LESS than yourself with anyone you encounter. I learned that from Dan. I think about the friends I have now and how heart wrenching it would be to lose one. I know that when i think about Dan, the emotions of a 19 year old rush back. And i feel hopeless all over again. I want to go back to that last call with him and tell him I am on my way .... to fix things. I miss you, Daniel Wilson Berry! You will always be my best friend!

Behind the wheel

So the other night thanks to a conversation about driving a “big rig” and wanting to be a race car driver I had some very interesting dreams. All made even more exciting due to the fact of my brakes not working in each dream. Most of which involved me heading down a hill towards an airport while driving a “big rig” like a race car driver. I have always been a, what some would say, BAD driver. I think I am a good driver. I mean …. Whom else can take a pick-up truck onto two wheels while going about 90 mph around a sharp curve? ME, or course. And my passenger, well, may be in need of new shorts but the driver just pulls her baseball cap down a little tighter and keeps on speeding!

Back to the point ….So in my free time while being sick the past two days I started thinking about those dreams. Some people believe dreams are always trying to tell you something. When I think about driving that tractor-trailer I can only think that the vessel represents all that makes me who I am. My past, hopes for the future, the stress I carry for others, and all the tasks I take on that weigh me down. And how maybe the dream was telling me it’s time to unload or get rid of some of that weight. Yes, all from a little conversation before bed, right?

Don’t get me wrong. I am proud of who I am. Where I am going. And those I have been fortunate enough to give a ride to along the way. BUT I can only think about how I felt in those moments of panic when the breaks didn’t work. Thinking about how bad all those things crashing forward would feel. Losing control of it all could NOT be a good thing. Now lately in my life I have taken a few measures to actually take care of myself…. before others. Doing this action, which normally comes easy for most people, makes me feel like the most selfish person in the world. But I do understand that taking on other people’s problems has caused my load to become too heavy for me. As I get older I have realized that by “being there” for everyone who needed me I have sabotaged relationships and my future success at certain points in my life. I will admit there were days so full that I laid down to sleep and thought, "oh I didn't eat today". But how do I say no? How do I keep to the road and not get off track helping someone who has always been able to depend on me. A close friend the other day told me he felt that if I continued being there for certain people I would actually be doing them more harm than good. I guess when you keep falling into the same hole over and over again, why would you ever learn to go around it if there is always that hand to help you? Again, how do I say no?

I have always been the friend to get out of bed at 3am to answer the phone, the relative to go out into the dark night to help family, the Godmother to put all things aside for a 13 year old who got into trouble, the stranger who sat on the side of the road with an elderly woman so she would not be alone, and the driver to hand over my fast food order at the red light to a homeless person, because he truly looked hungry. I will always be this person. Always. (that was all in just a one week span). So I have to figure out how to still be “there” and yet trade this "big rig" in for something smaller, with room for a passenger (preferably one who loves me) and a back seat for a kid (or two) one day.

And yet …. In the middle of typing this my phone rang. Someone needs me.

Maybe I just need to find a partner who will understand that I must save the world whenever possible. If I wore a mask & a cape, would it help? .....

oh and I never analyzed the driving to the airport portion of my dream …..I wonder where I was going? Somewhere sunny I hope!

a hit right to the heart .....

Valentines day proved to be a good one. A friends boyfriend cooked dinner for some of us singe girls including flowers and chocolates! It was a very sweet gesture.

My night ended with a friend from MANY years ago telling me his true feelings for me ..... but ....uh, no. Oh, and dancing and singing Single Ladies did happen.... but no snap shots of it.

(this pic of Lu to the right is her writing a letter to her papa (my ex) telling him she is sending him poop for v-day!!)

I found out yesterday that only after a month and a half of being broken up, the EX who said "I've never been single and feel like i need to take time to just figure things out and get things in order" is actually dating someone. Part of me wanted to laugh .... dating? If you've never been single, then i already know where this one is headed. He actually called me to TELL me he was dating some girl. My ex's all break up with me and accidentally get the next girl prego. (One was actually a stripper). I can admit that it really hurts. Even with all the positive thinking and really trying to LOOK at him and talk myself out of feeling sad.....finding out there is already a replacement is a hit right to the heart. Doesn't our relationship deserve some mourning time? I mean, I was JUST in your bed 2 weeks ago .... it's not even cold. (A bed that is in a house I helped you find, covered with my parents bedspread!!) I know that line gets used on many girls - "space" but we continued to talk once a day if not more....... wtf??? I am still trying to remain positive.

I am CERTAIN there is something I am to learn from this - but GOD would you please just post it on a billboard next time instead of slowly and painfully grinding my heart into the carpet? I guess it still bothers me that I felt I never really got a chance with the ex. And now some random girl gets to come in after all the hard work I put into things. He was always one step away due to his past relationship. Due to being in a selfish place. And due to being ......well, maybe not what God actually wanted for me.

I am sad, again. What's new.

.

trying my darnest ....

Yes, I am trying my hardest to remain positive and so far .....

I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF :)

With the passing of Pee and all the other reasons listed in the past posts to be upset about, I have a new found outlook that I have decided to live for today and STOP letting the past or others RUIN a.n.y.m.o.r.e of my life!!!! (only occasionally do I tear up from memories)

BUT .......with Valentine's Day approaching I can't help but be reminded that I lost my two favorite boys in a matter of a month. (again...the Ex boyfriend and my Sweet Pee Kitty)

BUT as I look back over all of my V-day's of the past ....I am reminded that they have never really been that great even if there was a special guy in my life. Now don't get me wrong, in some cases I can say that sweetness abounded from some of my ex's most days of the year .... i was lucky in those situations. And in others....the V day was just a day to be disappointed. I mean how hard is it to buy a card and some candy .... come on. And for those guys who say they don't get caught up in the hype that is V day - you are WRONG. You should always take the chance to tell your lady that she is special. And V Day is a good day to do it.

ANY WAY ------

SO this year I will go into it knowing that ANYTHING sweet that happens...
is out of love and not expectation.

And if the day ends without a smile from the opposite sex, then me and my sweet lady LuLu will do a little dance around my house to "Single ladies" and cuddle with each other!!!

Pictures may follow!! :)

good bye to the love of my life

Oh God .....I can not type what happened,
or how I feel that my heart has died.
All I can say is good bye to my best friend, the love of my life,
and the one I told all my secrets.
My life was SO MUCH GREATER because of you.
I will miss you every moment of my life.
I tried to fix you.
I KNOW how much you loved me and YOU know i loved you MORE.
I will never forget my sweet Pee.

R.I.P sweet Pee Pee

Breaking up is like being buried...... but not dying.

I read this once somewhere and now i actually understand it ~ "Never make a man a priority when he only makes you an option". Amazing to me how hard i feel like i have worked for things to be good .... just to come to an end. The past 2 weeks have been hard, but luckily God has managed to keep me busy with good things, and bad things. Either way i have had little time to sit and cry over someone who seems to have moved on so quickly.

1. My little Pee kitty is getting old. His kidneys seem to be working less, he has lost 7 lbs, and looks like he has a headache. The vet says we just need to get his diabetes under control, but when they stop eating .... how long can you beg a cat to eat? he just looks at me with those pitiful eyes. The vet says he's not in pain, but i swear he looks at me like I am being mean to him.

2. My sister's boyfriend hit her new years day. In front of his parents. While she was holding their 6 month old baby. Pushed them both into the Christmas tree.Punched her in the face and head a few times. The baby was ok.....thank god. He spent some time in jail after. They think he was 'on' something. His family has promised to keep him away, but he is ANGRY - more than ANGRY. He goes back to court in 2 weeks. Restraining order is in processing. But as for now the family is on call. I will have to stay with her, be the nannie, sleep on the doorstep..... whatever it takes .... to keep her and sweet Peyton safe.

3. Back to the break up. Things were great over NYE. Spent the weekend in the mountains with friends. Had a ball. Then came back to reality. He says he wants to be friends. thinks we should be able to hang out still in a group and it not be a big deal. I tried to explain that it hurts too bad. that watching him leave at the end of the night .... without me ...would break my heart all over again. He just doesn't get it. He says he still has some of "those feelings" for me, that he misses me ..... misses lots of stuff about me .....grrrrrrr..... He says in time I will understand why he did it. That we could have stayed in this place forever, but would have never really been happy. I need time, space, not to see his face to get over this pain. Please..... I feel like i have been buried alive. Funny thing is, I really think I am taking this break up better than I thought i would. I refuse to waste time crying over someone, who I know is not mourning the loss of me.

On a positive note i have been spending a lot more time with my friends. I have really been able to get to know a few of the new ones better due to this break up. I even got a pat on the back from one of the guys .."I must admit sweetie, I really think you are taking this like a trooper. We all know he loves you and you did him. And I know how much this must hurt your heart. But you are really showing us what you are worth by trying to move forward. Don't let this make you feel like you are worthless because we ALL know you are not". Now coming from the fellow that said this....it actually means more than the words could possibly every read. :)

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Meowy Catsmas ..

Lord PeePee wanted to be the first to wish you all a Meowy Catsmas!
(yes, that is his name, aka: Doody, or Papa Bird)


I felt the need to place him on my favorite website at
I Can Has Cheezburger.com
I will have a shot of Lady Lu, my girl kitty with Santa tomorrow!

4 day weekend….

So I took off last Thursday and Friday to attend my yearly charity event “Second String Santa” and decided last minute not to go. It’s a formal fun holiday event where I see tons of people that I just don’t see too much anymore. This year I guess I am just not feeling up to it. So my weekend was filled with planning for HIS move, hanging out with friends at random places, and stressing out!

I did make it to the Carolina Panthers/Tampa Bay game with Moe. Fun filled tailgating, meeting new friends, and just being me…..for a bit.

A little bit of stress-free fun for a few hours!

Go CATS!!!!

Tailgating with Champagne!!!!

And We won, so that made it all the better!And I meet some really nice new people!!!!

Don't drink the cheese...

So just because it's funny i had to post this. My nephews are some of the funniest kids ever. A few weeks ago we were hanging out at my mom's house snacking on the porch and the minute my sister went inside her son Wesley dove arm full into the nacho cheese. I have never seen someone out so much cheese on ONE chip. My bf and i started laughing at him and it went something like this:

Aunt Erin: Wesley if you eat too much cheese your pooper will get clogged.

BF: Yeah, you'll have to sit on the toilet for days

Wesley: I love this cheese

Aunt Erin: Really Wes .... stop it...you are grossing me out

BF: Really little man, that's kind of gross

Wesley: I don't care .... I ... LOVE ...THIS .... CHEESE

Aunt Erin: Well..... WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRINK IT?

insert straw and here you go!

Funny lil kid .... gotta love him!! (I love cheese too so I can understand him)

Changes are a’coming

There are going to be some things happening in the next month that are going to mean my comfortable life is going to be rocked.

Change 1: My bf will be moving into his own place. He hasn't really had his own space in a long time and mostly been staying with me. While I am so happy for him and excited about some space, I am so afraid this means we will grow apart. I know we will still see each other, but there is SO much I find relaxing and healing about falling asleep & waking up with him. That, and the fact that he gets so caught up in work and his daily routine that I am afraid he may just forget about me …"oh, opps I haven’t talked to you in a few days". I do know that we fight over silly things right now, and that it may have to do with the fact that we see each other too much. He does need to figure things out and get his life together. Maybe I am just being silly.... we will see though.

Change 2: I am either going to sign on for credit counseling….. or bankruptcy. I have talked with an agency that is going to help me. In 5 years I will be debt free. But I will be VERY low on funds until that date. I know I can not go on like this anymore. Some weeks I have no money for food. I do know it is my fault I am where I am in debt (that wedding that never happened ….that I am still paying for). BUT the credit card companies have screwed me in interest, fees, and all-in-all just everything. So I have to do something. I do admit that the thought of it just disappearing seems nice, even if it’s on my credit report for years to come by filing bankruptcy. At this rate I can’t buy a home or new car anyway …. So why does it matter? I am still unsure what to do, but I will be making a decision here this month.

Change 3: I am doing a complete overhaul of myself. I am going to find the old me …. From years ago that was so confident … even at 200lbs. I WILL begin to demand the things in life that I want and deserve. NO MORE putting up with other peoples crap. Let’s see how that goes!!!

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Oh please!

So I haven’t had a chance to upload pics from Halloween, except for the one from my phone. I will get around to that soon.

The night was not what I had hoped for as some disappointment with some people I was with settled in quickly. A 3am walk in the pouring rain to the car proved to be the “last straw” and yet I continued to walk in the same direction for fear of being mugged or kidnapped. (it has been happening a lot here in Charlotte lately). Hopefully there can be some recovery from that night as this week has proved to be a little better.

I am just tired of getting excited about doing something only to have it ruined because I let other people’s actions effect how I feel. Maybe I should just start mimicking what they do that upsets me to see how they like it ….. but I won’t …. Can’t run the risk of them actually thinking I ACT that way on my own accord.

Oh well….this weekend holds a baby shower, football watching, seeing Math Muse perform at Amo’s, and the panthers game!! Hopefully this weekend will be better. PLEASE GOD!

Halloween ......

I was trying to be something exciting and new for Halloween. But last year I MADE my costume (the belly dancer thing) so I have decided to go with my standard, I think. Especially since we will be going uptown to Alley Cat's for Fangtasia which is themed off of True Blood, so I will more than fit in!!

Although costumes have become a HUGE part of my social life the past few years. I have a group of friends who LOVE to make everything a theme and make everyone dress up ... which I love! I hate I don;t have pictures from the recent ones like the Wig and Mustache or Rock-a-billy.... DARN!

We have the white trash parties ....
............... ..........

Halloween parties ..... ............................................................................. Toga Parties
............... ..........

but my most favorite by far..... my VAMPIRE

I have done it a few times through the years, but there is just something about the black lipstick....teeth....goth look that I just love!!!! Only once a year :)

Happy Trick or Treating!!!

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a fork in the road...

......

Another turning point, A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist - directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test and don't ask why.

It's not a question, But a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind.

Hang them on a shelf in good health and good times

Tattoos and memories and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right.

i hope we have the time of our lives.

Lately I have been feeling like I have this huge decision to make. God has, more than once, laid things out for me pertaining to many paths I have chosen in my life. And all I can gather now - is HE is pretty much YELLING at me that I am going the wrong way. Every step I take there seems to be these small paths leading in other directions. I keep hearing him say "Opps honey, you missed the last chance, so here's another". Yet I continue to just ignore what I know He wants for me. I keep telling myself that if I hold out long enough maybe the path I want .... will connect to the path He wants for me.

It's like driving a car that is falling apart.... oh how you LOVE that car .... first an oil leak, a crack in the windshield, flat tires, hoses bust.....and then .... sputter..... it finally just breaks down and of course with my luck it's when I am left stranded. If only .... if only I had watched the signs and worried more about the DRIVER (that's me), than a car that obviously just had no potential to begin with.

Why do I choose to hibernate in a job, a love, a friend, poor health when I know in the long run I could have spared TIME and just made a change myself. Yes, some of it was WORTH all the while.....but I wonder what I have missed out on....

So this ones to the fork ..... the fork in my road

(sometimes feels like a fork in my eye)

Maybe soon I will be strong enough to veer off the main path and RUN RUN RUN into what he has waiting for me!!

I am actually smiling at this moment thinking about how free it will be to REALLY listen to HIM for once instead of myself!

(I envision birds chirping, music playing, people laughing, and ME .....SMILING AND HAPPY......FOREVER!)

I am......

I read a post of the friend the other day that inspired me to take some time to jot down some thoughts. Thanks for your post KW, love ya!

I am ....

~ a newly planted tree when I was two - that I actually remember tying a blow-up Easter Bunny too
~ a child who eats pennies, safety pins,and all of my grand mothers life savers when my mother's not looking.
~ a ravioli eater for dinner when my mother got tired of fighting with me over eating what she cooked.
~ a hide-n-seeker & kickball player with my sisters and the next door boys when I was in elementary school
~ the daughter that always got the yellow room in each house growing up ...orange carpet in one house!

~ a choir girl, hand bell ringer, & liturgical dancer growing up in church
~ a little girl who remembers laying in the back of the station wagon with my sis's on the way to the beach.
~ a 4th grader who was told by a classmate that i should never wear shorts to hide my ugly legs.
~ a 6th grader whose Great Grand mother passed away on Christmas day unexpectedly - she was so amazing!
~ a 7th grader who feel in love with her best boy friend only to watch him move away.
~ a 10th grader who got caught stealing and ended up paying $500 and 6 months community service
~ a junior high student who sneaks out with 8 friends to share 1 cig & 1 beer and to walk around the streets
~ a girl whose first real "grown up" kiss was in front of my entire family & half the school..... and horrible
~ a girl who skipped junior prom to hang out with my best guy friend. DWB
~ a girl whose senior prom date thought I owed him something and was saved by a family friend my age!
~ a young adult who sings loudly in the car to Christian music & cannot fathom NOT having Christ in my life.
~ a 20 year old whose best friend died in a car accident and will never forget him or that feeling of loss. DWB
~ a 25 year old singing karaoke in bars, late nights with the girls, and too many jello shots at parties
~ a 30 year old who never gets told she looks her age ..... LOVE IT!
~ a grown woman who loves her cat Pee Pee more than life... i hug him, bite him, and LOVE him so much!
~ a 34 year old feels like i Wasted lots of time ... i want my children to know my grandmother (no babies yet)
~ a animal lover, feeder, caregiver, whom I talk to and think they understand me!
~ from a father who will never know how much he's worth and who wishes he could change the past.
~ from a mother whose "heart is as big as a house". And I am proud & thankful to be like her in many ways.
~ from a maternal grand mother who is worth more than anything
~ from a step-grandfather who I wish had been here all along!
~ from paternal grand parents who were always themselves and excepted everyone just the way they are!
~ attached to 2 sisters who are my friends and I would give anything for them.... and vise versa!
~ part of a brady bunch family that loves no matter what
~ from a stepfather who is always there....even at 4am - always knows how to make me laugh or stop crying!
~ from many bad mistakes & wrong turns. Lost.... love, friends, new life,& money just to make others happy.
~ a young woman whose heart has been broken so many times, yet it continues to overflow with love.
~ blue eyes, a big smile that curls up at the corners of my lips, and forever long brown hair.
~ circles of friends from all backgrounds. I have been the ring leader, party planner, and ms. gossip at times.
~ a hard worker; kennel cleaner, hostess, salesperson, manager, trainer, assistant, party planner.....
~ merchandiser, car detailer, maid, trivia lead, stocker, organizer, volunteer mentor, and many more....
~ a tailgating, football watching, hotdog eating girl on sundays!

~ someone who always puts on the "other persons shoes" before I even begin to pass judgement.
~ a speed racer in my red truck - who managed to get hit by a drunk driver but only had a few broken bones!

~ a girl whose therapy is to walk the mall .... or just shop alone with the nice cup of starbucks!
~ either lake side, beach side, mountain top......a hiker, swimmer, and sun tanner with lots of protection
~ a tornado of emotions - I cry when I think of how lucky I am and all the people i love.

~ afraid that when i pass away .... i will be forgotten quickly.
~ grateful .... for each moment of life, regrets included.
~ a child of God and I am the only ME there is!!!

that's not all ...... :) I'm a work in progress!

a little catch'in up....

Things around here have been about the same. Busy as ever, no money, and trying to just deal. All in all I think I am doing ok. Got a trip planned for this coming labor day to the mountains to stay at a friends house. Anything I do now has to be free ..... so any invites to go anywhere and I JUMP at the chance!! AND this place is just amazing. I did pick up a PT job working wednesday nights at a local bar running trivia. LOVE IT!!! and I think the people there are actually starting to be regulars because of me! Yay for being fun! and getting paid to be fun is grrrrreat!! well here are some pictures from the first Carolina Panthers game last weekend. We hit the BUD tent and drank and ate for free during tailgating! it PAYS to have connections!

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And my babies :)