psst .... here i am .... I'm here... I'm here

I do not have too much time to post, but realized how long it has been. I wish I could pour my heart out onto these pages, because what some of you think and say about my life actually means a lot to me. HOWEVER .... some things are just meant to be private.... so if you really want to know more I can tell you if you ask.

My life is still crazy. things seem to be getting back on track and in the direction I had hoped for, but as of this weekend I am sitting here alone, again. Trying to figure out why my "eye of ra" keeps telling me there is a lot of deception in my life. I can be told over and over again that things ARE the way they ARE..... but when you FEEL that something is not right..... well... a girl just knows.

I refuse to be a fool .... again. I have had people in my past tell me "why do you let people treat you with any less respect than you deserve?" ..... then turn around and actually DO something that hurts me and expect me to just deal. But my heart can no longer take it. A tool is a tool.... (I was told that this weekend). So my friends who have stepped, my exs who have stepped, and those who think they will be stepping in the future ....

LOOK OUT .... cause it will not be ON ME ANYMORE.

I am done,

toast,

finished,


all tapped out.....


please .... exit left and DO NOT LOOK BACK.

YOU ARE NOW IN THE TIME OUT CHAIR!!

Because I am moving on.

Period :)

Miss you blogger friends! I will be catching up on reading your blogs soon!!

so tired of being sad ....

It seems each day I wake up I try to think positive.... but it never fails that I am reminded of how things are not as I wish they were. I am SO tired of feeling depressed. I ignore the good things, advances, and even gestures from others because I am so wrapped up in my consuming heart ache. In high school I could cry on command.... now I can NOT stop the tears from flowing. It is amazing to me that I let myself get so attached to anything or anyone in my life. I know that at anytime anyone I love could leave, pass away, or just not be around anymore. I believe that telling people how you feel and being honest are the only really TRUE way to having a happy full life, but to what purpose now ..... if only they choose to walk away? I am trying really hard to not become bitter. But I am tired of feeling like I am always the one being hurt. I am tired of crying alone .... crying for the one I miss ..... when i KNOW he does not feel the same. Am I just unworthy of love?

I DO deserve all the things my heart desires ----- when do I get to be happy?

looking up....

I am slowly figuring out that maybe all the bad things in my life latley have been happening because God wants me to have less stress in my life. A new job .... more free time.... more groups of friends. I am trying to think positive here and really think that all the things that have been taken away ... or are changing - really caused me a lot of stress. Yes, I was happy with these things, but I never realized just how much stress on a moment to moment basis they put on me. So for now.... I am looking up (into the clouds, the moon, the sky ... where He is...) and I am thinking - I know soon I will say "thank you God" with open raised arms for all the good things that are coming ..... I know they are coming!!!!

I just need to let go of all the things I hold onto so I have two empty hands to accept what He wants me to have!!!!!!!!!!

oh what a world...

well..... a fake smile is pretty much what I had on all weekend. I managed to get spend some quality time with one I desire the most .... but I am still weepy as I am unsure of how things will go and to be honest I feel like I am losing my best friend. I had a house warming party friday night, a birthday party saturday, and super bowl on sunday. I am lucky to be as busy as I am - gives me less time to think. No - I am not one of those people who needs or even enjoys time alone. I think time alone is wasted time. So here are a few pictures from the birthday party saturday night. Ignore the puffy eyes :(

I will admit that i had a good time though. I met some new people and saw some old friends that I have not seen in a while. So it was good to be out on my own. There is so much bed stuff and drama going on right now in my life... marriages ending, friendships in turmoil, sick babies, lost jobs ...... It is hard to think positive when everything is falling apart. Any words of enlightenment my dear blogging friends????

hey hey hey ....

well Merry Christmas, Happy New year, and HAPPY NEW JOB for me!!

I started my new job today. Working for a compliance company... so far so good!!! Just admin work but everyone seems really nice!!

I am gonna post some pics below from Christmas, New Years, and a mountain trip. things here are getting better. I went ot chruch last sunday - first time in a long time. It's the church i grew up in so there were HUGS out the wazzu for me. I felt at home and very welcome. I plan on going more in this new year. My court date for mr. dirty mexican is January 20th. Hope he gets deported!!! Miss you all!!!!!

Christmas ... sisters, and one of my step-bros

New Years eve at Common House

And Seven devils Mountain trip

what a month...

well.... i said I was going to post more often since I have SO much free time being unemployed, but I seem to have less free time. I know if i even log onto this site I will end up on it for hours looking at others posts ..... so I stay away. I hope all my blog friends are doing well. I am still job hunting and feeling very worthless right now. my severance runs out here in a few days and I will have NO money while i wait for unemployment checks to come in. First time in my life not having a job. No one is hiring right now. I am working out every day not which I am proud of. I don't want to gain back the 40lbs I lost this past year .....

Family is trying to be supportive. I have a smile on when anyone looks at me ..... maybe I should let them know just how depressed I am. I just hate for anyone to worry, but one more bad thing .... will push me over the edge.

oh ..... so last week I was shopping at TJMaxx. I went to leave the store and like 10 cops stopped me and asked me to wait before i left. I then noticed them cuffing a Latino man that i had noticed following me around the store. The police then asked me to step into the office to take a look at some video. well..... I was in for a surprise. The man had been following me around the store and when i would turn my back he would either take a picture of me .... OR DUCK UNDER A RACK and try to TOUCH ME. 5 times he hid..... and 5 times .... I moved just in time for him not to get his hands on me. He did however crawl on his hands and knees into the isle and manage to put his face close enough to my BUTT to kiss it ... (almost). I was in SHOCK. They arrested him for assault .... getting that close .... is assault here. If i had turned around and seen his face near me ..... I don't know what i would have done. He had pictures on his phone up women's skirts. ..... tons of them. Poor women. I am just glad he didn't actually touch me. I am not sure what that would have done to me mentally.

well...... I am off to weep.

Hello all........... you would think with all this free time from the layoff i would be on this thing and blog central all the time, but I spend ALL my time looking for a job. This really stinks.

I did get at attend a charity event with my best friend the other night. Second String Santa. here is one pic from it. Funny that out of like tons of pics THIS ONE ended up in the paper. All those pretty women showing tons of boobs and this was the pic they printed!! YAY!

So that's about it for me. I will be looking at my favorite webpages here sometime soon! So I am sure i have some catching up to do!

Love you all!!!

rain rain .....

go away!!!!

I love rain ... when i am home with nothing to do. BUT when I have errands to run and a planned night out that may get cancelled, well ..... GO AWAY!!

Maybe this is God's way of telling me a few things. Maybe I should be happy I can put my hair in a pony tail when I get home, open the windows, enjoy the cats, and snuggle with my honey instead of going to the bar ..... maybe.

From God to lil me on a rainy day:

1. Hey speed racer .... slow down. (rain and leaves do not help my pickup truck stop quickly...errr.... **crash**!)

2. Hot rolled your hair this morning eh? ... ha .... here comes the rain!

3. Errands can wait, take a break to just enjoy the cleansing rain.

4. Eat lunch from the fridge and save some money!! (I go out way too much)

5. The local pub can live without you for a night! Stay home!!

well..... we will see. Maybe we can get tixs to the Bobcats basketball game instead!! that would be fun! Tomorrow night (rain or not) is Champagne Saturday at Amy & Billy's!! LOVE IT!!

have a good weekend!

my weekend ....

well... my weekend was pretty laid back. Went to a jewelry party at my BFF's house friday night ... no money makes for a sad girl when there are pretty jewels for sale. I left there and headed to Thomas Street Tavern for Chip's b-day!! YAY

Saturday consist i spent about 4 hours at the mall then headed to the White Water Center for the oyster (yuck) roast with Jen & Cole. Got there in time to grab a cold beer before the weather got cold. We managed to take over a fire pit and enjoyed the beginning of the evening. Later I headed to Terri's house for a random get together.... pretty uneventful.

All in all ....Things are looking up!! I am very hopeful and happy today!!

I got tagged ....

so I got tagged a while back by my new and most favorite blogger, Far at http://everydaysoap.blogspot.com/ , and then again today by Christine at http://thehumblepen.blogspot.com/ so to make the heavy post of the other day move further down my page i will play this game.

Ok so here's how the game works:
*Link to the person that tagged you (did that above)
*Post the rules on your blog
*Share six interesting things/habits/quirks about yourself - anything that comes to mind.
*Tag six people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs ... people you would like to know things about.
*Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

6 random things about me:

1) I love to drive fast. I drive a pick up truck and I LOVE to put on my baseball cap, roll the windows down, turn the music up... and SPEED!!
2) I love to cook.... for my man ...all kinds of food... love pasta and the more cheese the better!
3) I was hit by a drunk driver years ago and REALLY thought when it happened we were being bombed. It was horrible, but when the spinning finally stopped I was actually Glad to find out it was just some drunk Mexican and not the end of the world! I recovered pretty quickly
4) My best friend died 13 years ago... I miss him just as much today as I did the day he died. I still talk to him sometimes when i am alone. I hope he hears me ... and I can't WAIT until I get to see him in heaven.
5) I wish I had better legs. I hate my legs ..... when people talk about cankles .... well, that's me. I never wear shorts or short skirts and I HATE IT. But they are just not attractive and no matter how many trainers i work out with.... they are just gonna be that way.
6) I love Jesus. I am not a bible beater.... but I love the Lord. I am thankful on a daily basis to the point of tears. I know my life is not all I want it to be right now, but my faith makes my heart happy enough to look forward and know that no matter what i go through - the arms of Jesus are around me. And for my friends who do not believe.... i pray for you daily ... cause MY heaven would not be complete without YOU!!!

now it's time to tag 6 others: (forgive me and you don't HAVE to do it!)

http://work-girl.blogspot.com/

http://kristengoetz.blogspot.com/

http://makemineamojito.blogspot.com/

http://madison-lush.blogspot.com/

http://theabsolutearena.blogspot.com/

http://www.jarada.bravejournal.com/

the costume .....

so first I thought a few pics from my halloween party would be good to post. I DID make my costume myself .... and in person it looked SO great. I am actually really proud of myself.

So tell me what you think of my HOMEMADE costume :)



ok - so few pics - we had reno 911, Olympic Gymnast, Teen Wolf, Jose Q, a bearded taco ..... and well lots of SLUTS!!!

did i really agree to this?

ok.... so in hunting for Halloween costumes this weekend we ran into some major issues like:

(1) VERY cheap looking costumes for WAY too much money

(2) not too many good ones for couples

(3) lack of time and stores.

(4) we ended up actually fighting due to the pressure.... :(

So in the heat of looking I agreed that if my beau could just find something HE liked I would do whatever to make it a couples costume. Well, me and my big mouth got me into the tackiest costume .... (This was not HIS first choice, but it made us BOTH laugh so hard that we HAD to do it!)

YES, that is a SNAKE coming out of the crotch area of the man's costume. And NOOOOOOOO the female costume does NOT look like that in person. It's HORRIBLE. So i returned mine and he has yet to know that I am actually going to make my own...... yes .... I WILL make a costume. Pray for me :) Pictures to follow next weekend!!

my point of view...from my phone

So my Saturday afternoons generally consists of sitting at the local coffee shop while my beau does some work on his laptop. And just lately have I had access to a computer myself to do some web surfing, but this weekend I couldn't get connected. I normally read my book but forgot it ..... so I cleaned out my cell phone. Yeah, fun right? I hate it when I have a persons number but i have no clue who they are .... David??? Scott??? Sarah??? who are you guys? DELETE :)

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Anyhoo...I figured a good post would be "pictures from my phone". So here are a few (and yes ... there are some I can not post due to .... .well... "for my eyes only" content) But here are a good handful..

I would love to see some of yours .... so let me know if you post any!

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