25 Random Erin things.........

I posted this in 2009 on Facebook and surprisingly most of it still stands true to who I am today. I did make some notes of changes in red! The game was to post 25 random things about yourself and tag friends who you wanted to do the same thing.

1. I actually don't think I am interesting enough to come up with 25 things anyone would care to read.
2. I live for other people. The thought of losing all of my friends and family scares me to death.
3. I believe in ghost. I think no matter where you are there is someone or something watching you.
4. I love to make people laugh. Sometimes I will even make fun of myself just to make that happen.
5. Most days I do not think I am attractive (not looking for a pity party). I do not think I will ever be considered the prettiest girl in the room.
6. I love to eat spaghettio's cold ... right out of the can. yep :)
7. I treat my cats like they are people. I really think they understand everything I say .... and I KNOW they have a strong opinion of me. ha
8. Singing makes me calm. Singing very loudly and with such feeling is my de-stresser.
9. I love to shop .... sometimes I walk around the mall for hours. I don't always buy things either.
10. I miss my best friend, Dan... who died 13 years ago. He will never know how much I miss him and think of him every day.
11. I hate the tattoo of the sun on my stomach. My best girlfriend and I in high school got the same thing and I wish I could have it removed. I WILL be getting this covered this year
12. When I was in 4th grade I wore a knee length skirt to school. A girl told me my legs looked like tree trunks. I haven't worn a short skirt since then..... or shorts. I hate my legs. when people talk about cankles .... i have to hold back the tears. I wore a short dress for a wedding as the maid of honor, hated every moment of it. Thanks BF for forcing me to do that. UGH
13. I pray all day long..... in my car, at work, at parties. But I feel like He may not be listening sometimes..... or maybe He is and thinks I am coo coo. I always feel like HE is listening
14. Worry will be the death of me. I worry about everything in my life...... non-stop.
15. I wish I were a better person. I wish I had made a bigger impact on people in my past for good reasons. I wish I had the means to save to world whenever I had the chance
16. I miss my job at the YMCA. I miss it will all my heart and it makes me cry to think I am not part of that anymore. I still miss it, however I LOVE the job I am in now and the people I work with!
17. Sometimes when I am really depressed I close my eyes and imagine God's arms wrapping themselves around me. It helps.
18. I am a dork. yep .... and I love dorks. the dorkier the better!
19. I love to eat .... sometimes it causes issues. But I LOVE FOOD!!
20. I have had my daughter's name picked out since I was like .... 5. Emma Grace, after my Great Great Grandmother and Great grand mother.
21. I do not like sharing a bed with another girl. Not even my sister. For some reason I just can't share that space.
22. I love turtles. When I was younger I saw them hatch on the beach and did the WRONG thing and helped tons of them to the water. :) yeah me. (that's where the tattoo came from)
23. I hate to be hung up on. I think it is one of the rudest things you can do to someone. Means you have no respect. I will never hang up on someone.
24. I have a big butt. :) yes I know you all know this already. I joke about it sometimes. But to be honest I hate it. I do not think it endures me to anyone and have grown up hearing nothing but nasty comments that I will never be able to erase.
25. I have many bad habits I am working on getting rid of..... won't list them thought.

Time for an update!

Well..... I guess it's time for an update since it's been SO LONG.

Things in my world are still the same. Working, spending time with friends, dating, breathing. Some times all of those things makes the last one seem hard. Reconnected with old friends & exes just to be reminded why God  pushes them out of your lives in the first place. Lots of birthday parties, beer festivals, baby showers, wedding, family events..... So many things.

I am hoping to start using this site again as a way to vent and actually connect with the world in a way not possible from my little life. Feel free to comment. Missed some of you really.

you are safe .....

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but to be honest i have been a bit depressed. The previous post really sent me into some dark places, but as of now I am feeling much better.

I am the kind of girl who is always trying to look at the good in all situations. I always have to work through what God might be trying to teach me in each thing. And until last week I just could not see even a tiny reason why He let me get involved with someone like the past guy and why it ended so quickly and as painful as it was.

Driving in my truck the other day the end of a song was streaming....."you are safe, child.... know you are safe" and it really came over me. Maybe God realized (as I originally did) that THIS guy was not the one for me. HOW COULD HE BE? I know - without sounding conceited, that I deserve someone who is mentally sound, stable, and living in reality. And the PAST guy was NOT. Maybe this was God's way of showing me, that what i think I want.....is NOT what I deserve. Now.....I am safe. I know he would have ended up hurting me. Mentally, physically, in any way possible. Because he likes to hurt others, and he likes to hurt himself.

I think GOD for keeping me safe. I an thankful that this lesson was only a few months and not years like the ones in my past. I am just constantly reminding myself that when i start to get upset over losing what i thought I wanted, I am actually telling God that he does not know what he is doing. I would never want to be ungrateful for the things in my life....or the things He has taken out of my life to ..... KEEP ME SAFE.

I am safe. And sometimes it takes God - pulling the rug out from under you to make you realize this.

I thank Him.

Disappointment has a name......

GIVE ME A ...... J

GIVE ME AN......A

GIVE ME AN......S

GIVE ME AN ....

OK - I'll stop there

I use to believe people when they told me things. I am a "trust from the beginning" kind of girl. That goes for friendships & relationships. But the past few years it has been burned into my brain that everyone lies .... and almost everyone is ok with lying.

Not me.

From the beginning the sweetness flowed. One compliment after the other. One promise after the other. AND without me asking for any of it.

"All I want is you"

"I want to take care of you forever"

"It feels like we could last forever"

"You are everything I could ever want"

"I have never had anyone make me feel this way and I hope it lasts forever"

BLAH BLAH BLAH.....shut up

3 weeks of NON STOP words from what i know now is his tiny little cold heart.

AND I fell for it. My very first impression a year ago was to run (see previous post). But there was something so different about him now. A kindness in his eyes, a sweetness in his smile. I felt SO wrong for having judged him before. How could I have almost passed him by?

but now I know .....my first impression was true. DOUCHE to the TENTH power. How can someone be so cold. How can the most masculine man....be such a coward vagina now? and how the HELL did he trick me into believing he was a good person?

he managed to take a conversation where i was trying to share something personal with him - and turn it into a chance to hurt my feelings. OK JASSHOLE - I get that there's some scorned girl who still wants you ..... and you feel guilty for jumping into things with me when she is hurting.

thanks for making me feel MORE LESS valuable than I already did.

Thank you for sharing with me. Thank you for stomping on my heart. Thank you for taking the confidence I DID have and pureeing it into nothing.

How easy it is for me to easy all those messages. Delete all those emails. But how do I erase them from my mind?

If he can do this much damaged in 4 weeks, then i am headed for doom.

Amazing how a little twinkle of hate can make the biggest heart shut down.

SHUT DOWN.

I'm not in it to win it, I'm in it for you ......

I am throwing it all on the table. I am wishing on the stars....and praying that THIS amazing person is the one God has planned for me to share my life with.

there is someone that seriously breezed through my life a year ago and this past weekend reappeared. And I can only hope that the year in between was to allow both of us to grow. I am amazed and in awe at how much I adore him so quickly.

I can only hope that this will work .....and if not, I will feel i missed out on the best relationship I could have ever had....faith is all I have.


While everybody else is getting out of bed
I’m usually getting in it
I’m not in it to win it
And there’s a thousand ways you can skin it
My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Remember winger
I digress
I confess you are the best thing in my life
But I’m afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There’s no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

If it’s love
And we decide that it’s forever
No one else could do it better
If it’s love
And we’re two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
And if I’m addicted to loving you
And you’re addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That’s enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own
Can’t be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne
’cause it’s poison
We can travel to Spain where the rain falls

Mainly on the plain side and sing
’cause it is we can laugh we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything
Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

You can move in
I won’t ask where you’ve been
’cause everybody has a past
When we’re older
We’ll do it all over again
When everybody else is getting out of bed
I’m usually getting in it
I’m not in it to win it
I’m in it for ......you

Train, If It's Love

It's all the same if everybody leaves her.......

She hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.

She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and compliments.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

She's given boys what they want, tried to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She's perfect but only in her imperfections.
She would change everything for happy ever after.

She's not a drama queen, she doesn't want to feel this way
She's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's OK.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful..... disaster

Where do you move when what you're moving from is yourself?

I found myself fighting for a chance, but this is who I really am....inside.

I love ketchup....

but this is a different kind of catch up :)

I have a few blogs sitting as drafts. Some happy, some sad and i can;t seem to bring them to life on my blog. so they will sit for now. But here are a few pictures from the past few months to "ketchup"!

Halloween of course!!! Prom night massacre. We headed to Dixies to see Ke$ha. She was so awesome in concert!
.....................................................

I worked many a beer fest .... one of my favorite things to do, and panther games too!

Made pickles with Mr. BIG DILL (whom i am crushing on) and made personalized wine bottles for my step-brother's wedding that is this coming weekend.

311 concert and many others with Melissa and my normal weekend fun with my BF Amy

and spent some quality time with my kitties :)

well that's not all, but a little of what I've been up to!

I miss you .....

"oh, i miss You so.......the feeling of forever
oh, what pulls at my heart ......it hurts to remember

i had a fleeting thought this morning and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are"

When I have time to myself I like to listen to music that really allows me to think about my life. All the good and bad, all those people and things that have come and gone. I just sit and miss ….. I miss people. I miss places. And I wonder….do they feel me, missing them? Do they ever sit and think of me or things that I may have been part of?

Does anyone miss me?

My best friend……wow. That term could actually include a few souls.

Dan. Gone from this place. I miss his long hippy hair. His laugh. I miss the way his voice on the phone always relaxed me and how he could find the perfect song to lift my mood. I thank him for teaching me how to find connections with every person i meet.

Joslyn. I miss her friendship. I miss the way she could make me laugh so hard I would cry. I miss the fact that I felt like we were so connected without words. I miss how she trusted me with the most intimate thing.

PeePee. Yes, my cat. I miss his sweet loving eyes. I miss waking up in the middle of the night because I felt him starring at me. I miss that LOVE you hard that he'd drool. I miss that he would let me treat him however i wanted and love me back. I miss him running to be near me when i cried. I miss him. Period

my family.

my great grand mother. her loving hands and rocking chair. her food. her smile. and her purse in church full of candy.

my grand father. Cigarette in both hands. A big sense of humor and the best laugh. And the back yard of their house when i was little.

All of my great aunts. the stories. the family gatherings. the feeling that i was surrounded by women that were JUST like me. Always being welcomed and loved.

Past affairs of the heart

My first love...the one i should have never let get so close. The one who taught me to be in the moment and let the world go. Those eyes....I miss the way they would look at me without judgment. I miss that passion to be with me that he carried.

I won't go into details of actual relationships of the heart.....it's sad really, when a bond just disappears. But I could list more than one thing I miss about anyone who I have had a connection with that is no longer close to me. I would hope they would hold me somewhere in their heart.

places.

I guess i miss the feeling of places. I miss Josh's driveway, just spending time looking over charlotte. I miss Camp Tekoa. I miss the feeling that I experienced going there when i was younger. My great grandmothers house. The back yard of the house i grew up in. So many places have so many moments, so I guess it's the moment I miss.

Not exactly sure where I was going with this post, but I have been writing it for days. I just felt like I needed to write down the things I still carry in my heart. And always will. Since I can't really express these things to those i think about the most, this seemed to be a good way of letting some of it out. So if you ever wonder .... yes, I probably miss something about you. :)

I'm still here!

I have been so busy the past few weeks. I have a lot of blogging and blog reading to catch up on! I have a new temporary roommate that i have known for years.... he has stocked my fridge and is cleaning daily :) a male maid & cook .... OK!!! I have been on several blind dates, a few were fun and one or two .... I can see why these guys are still single! Example: 41 years old, works at a bank and he tells me "Most women lie about their age and weight when it comes to blind dates. But you are pretty much just like your picture. And as for your weight, you just carry it mostly below the waist" WTF????????????? OMG - then he proceeded to tell me that my choice in neighborhoods to hang out in was not well thought out. I love Noda here in charlotte. It's our artistic... you can be anybody, neighborhood. He says "people that hang out over there are all tattooed up and smoke THE CHRONIC" - what? did he really use that word? OH YES, and more than once. So.... this is why I refuse to date anyone in their 40's. I would love to be proven wrong though but I am certain that is NOT going to happen! Anyhoo here are some catch up pics....trips, bdays, weddings!!!

Happy Birthday to Me???

35 is quickly closing in. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, but as the last few days of 34 wind down….I can’t help but panic a little. I keep telling myself it’s no big deal, but the fact that I will be closer to 40 than 30. (if you read back to my previous b-day post you’ll see my thought process has always been the same). A friend reminded me last night that I will STILL be closer to 1 than 100 so to CALM DOWN. Last night as I was running trivia at DG Bar I made the mistake of telling the bartender about up upcoming doom. He then proceeded to tell EVERYONE in the bar that my birthday was coming.

Now, in normal Erin fashion I kept telling people I’d be 28. Most believed me but one group of fellows wanted proof ----- as in they thought I was YOUNGER. When they finally convinced me to show my id, they all sat in complete silence as they passed it around. Then one, who sounded as if he was going through puberty, says “wow….there’s hope for the future”. And they all started laughing. And the compliments and competition for my attention started. The last lingering guy managed to corner me as he was leaving (22 years old and in law school) and he says “I can only hope I will be as exciting and young as you are in my 30’s. AND if not, I hope the girl I am with is JUST LIKE YOU”. Then he asked me for my number. I politely said no. I do have to say it was flattering, but at the same time….there are guys I use to babysit that are older than this boys.

I don’t want to grow up.

I don’t want to grow old.

I don’t want to ever be less than who I am now.

I like who I am, so who cares if I am closer to 40? (well, me of course) but maybe for now that will just be our little secret.

Oh my god .... ME TOO

It is funny to me how telling someone a story from my past can create a bond that might have never happened and vise versa. In spending time with some work folks in NJ I had the opportunity to really talk to some of the people i support. And in doing so got to share some of the amazing (and embarrassing) events that have brought me to where I am today. And in doing so, I heard more than once (out of a grown mans mouth) "Oh my God, me too." In that moment a bond was formed. And WOW - how I am over joyed about it. I am learning that no matter where i am, or what i am doing, the person beside me has some story to tell. Even if it's how much we both hate waiting in line, how they lost a pet, or how they love the song that is playing. Taking that moment and sharing something can create such a bond. I have many friends in my life that actually stemmed from small conversations either in stores, bars, at work, or just out and about. I use to hate the fact the strangers were drawn to talk to me, but now i welcome it. (Sometimes they are a little creepy.... but you just take two steps back!!).

Anyhoo ... that's my thought for today. Oh and the bad mood from the last post is all gone!! Even with a few disappointing moments lately I am all smiles and cartwheels.

And here, just to add a picture is my sweet Hurley (aka Buddy).

Awe, what a life he has.

oscar the grouch

"Wow, what a bad mood you're in"

I have heard that today from 3 people and it's only half over. For some reason I am ill. Tired and feeling that old feeling of just wanting to punch a baby. (that just made me laugh ... cause that would be HORRIBLE to actually do that)

I am just tired. I feel like the old mean jaded Erin today. Lucky for me i know I will fall asleep tonight with a list of things i thank God for .... and in the morning the bad mood will be gone. I do have to share that all those old feelings are stirred up today. I am SO tired of allowing myself to get stepped on. Even with my new found freedom of 'being the best me' I am finding that my feelings are still being hurt. I am sick and tired of going to SECOND weddings of people when I am nowhere close to being married. I am TIRED of ex's whining to me about not receiving love when what I offered was obviously not enough. I am SICK of meeting people that i think are so amazing only to compare myself to them ...making me think I am boring. Lately i have been having some really bad luck. Locked myself out, wrecked my truck, a bird died on my windshield, two broken windows 2 weeks in a row at the house, AND a creepy "You smell fantastic" note on my door. (there's no one i can imagine would have written that).

I had a friend say "Wow, Karma is coming to get you" but NO.... karma? The past 6 months I have done nothing but bend over backwards helping people. FUCK - my entire life. Going out of my way to help others.....so no, not Karma. I just want to know when it's my turn.

again, tomorrow is a new day.....maybe Karma and I can have a drink tonight and come to an agreement.

A few years ago I started suffering from sever nightmares & actual night terrors. The nightmares were enough to wake myself up either screaming or crying. The doctor believed it was due to stress and not being in the best health. So I changed things. I started watching t.v. before bed, something light and funny. I started eating better and watching what I ate before bed. I starting going to bed earlier. Things managed to become a lot better. I found in trying to sleep more soundly that when I did wake up from a bad episode that talking about whatever I was dreaming about actually helped (in the case of a night terror I had NO clue what the dream was about). At some points I would be so deep in sleep and a dream that my bed-partner would actually have to SHAKE me to wake me up at which point uncontrollable sobbing would occur. I remember many times waking up and feeling as if I NEEDED to take care of whatever bad event had happened in my dream. In some situations I would call whoever I was dreaming about, check the cat to make sure he was breathing, or just drop to my knees and beg God to make them stop. I am lucky enough to have beat whatever stresses were causing me to have such horrible nights. I have not had an episode except for one at a friends house a week or so ago. Lucky for him, the pounding of my heart actually woke me up before I was too into whatever was going on in my brain. I am not sure what caused this last one, as I have managed to remove SO much stress in my life and really feel HAPPY now. BUT …. Last night was a different story. I woke myself up gasping for air and sobbing SO HARD. I remember my dream, I actually CAN NOT seem to stop thinking about it today. Unfortunately for me it was about someone who is now deceased and in my dream they were actually telling me what I could have done to save them. What a horrible dream. For people who do not have nightmares …. They will never understand. It’s like having the worst day of your life OVER AND OVER again. And NOT being able to change things. When these do happen for me they are about being caught in a fire, being attacked, friends & family dying, being lied to by a that someone special, and the WORLD ENDING. They are not about unimportant silly things. So ….. I woke myself up with a huge gasp, and because talking about it is good for me …… I talked to the CAT. Yep. I didn’t really think there would be anyone awake at 5am that would want to chat about it, so Lu Lu was my go too. She was very helpful too as she snuggled up next to me to help me fall back asleep! All I know is I DO NOT want to go back to having this happen every night. So....suggestions? Ideas? Inappropriate jokes? I am awake and listening!

I refuse to be tormented while I am sleeping.

There.... i said it!

I have issues.

Issues with myself, and issues in relationships.
Can't deny it, so this is me admitting it.

I have a crapload of issues.

I'm severely insecure. I'm jealous.
I suffer from depression. I overanalyze.
I fall too hard after fighting to not fall at all.
I'm stubborn, and I'm pretty much always right.
I naively want the forever-kinda-love.

So that's me. And I've always let these things ruin me.
Bring me lower, and blame myself for failures.

But y'know what? Fuck that.

I'm also pretty friggin' awesome.
I'm insanely loyal. I'm overly supportive.
I love TOO deeply. But do not regret it.
I'd give you everything I owned if it would make you happy.

I'm fun. I'll make you laugh until you can only cry.
I'll drink beer with you and sing loudly, but you'll be amused by it.
I'll sit and watch the game with you. And enjoy it.
I'll be in my element at a concert with you. And you'll enjoy it.
I'll make you wonder where I've been all your life.
And I'll make you love me.

So if I've allowed myself to be beaten down by others in the past,
or to feel unappreciated and unwanted,
and just plain not good enough...

That's their issue.

We all have many flaws.
But I will no longer let you, or anyone, make me feel like less
because of mine.

And now i am a little thief ... thanks to my possible twin separated at birth..... Kris !!!

Driving Alone

It is funny how the only time I really like to be alone is when I am driving. I could always associate with the song " In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel because of the famous line "when I want to run away I drive off in my car”. I always tend to run to my car when I am upset or need time alone. I have been learning that the reason I do this is because of a few pretty simple things.

First, I am the one in control. Control of where I go, what I see, what I hear….and where I end up. Second, because I am surrounded by windows and at most times have a clear view of the sky. I always feel more hopeful when I can see the sky, towards Him. Third, I get to be consumed by the music that I choose. I can be full of rage and belt out loud full of emotions songs. It allows me to get out all of my aggression. Or if I am in a great place I can listen to music that either takes me back to wonderful places in my life or some song I may have just found and explore what comes out as I drive. Some times I end up out in the country, singing with the windows down. And sometimes I end up in my driveway, tears streaming not wanting to leave the comfort of my car, the sky, and the music.

This thought actually seemed from this morning. I was thinking about how I am sometimes moved my instrumental music in the oddest places. At work in the bathroom – or course – the range of music is actually pretty amazing. This morning I found myself just standing by the sink so I could enjoy an acoustic guitar solo that made me think about something that happened when I was 19. It was a wonderful, yet very moving and personal tug at my heart right there in the bathroom. I love these artist and musicians for being so giving of their talents. I would give up many things in my life to be able to move someone as much as this music moves me.

I had someone ask me what song I felt MOST reflected my life. ONE SONG? I would have an endless list of such a wide genre of music that there is no way I could ever narrow it down to one. I am lucky enough to have a huge spectrum of types of friends who have helped me learn to appreciate all types of music, culture, and lifestyles. And then I have a few friends look at me cross-eyed when I show emotion towards a song. How can you hear the music or hear the words and NOT be moved? All I can say is, I am thankful for the connection that I feel to music, because I know it is a lasting TRUE thing. And it makes me feel more alive!

.

catching up.....

So just to catch up on some good pics….

a few St Patty’s pictures.

And yesterday I had an old co-worker from the YMCA forward me an email she found that I had written many years ago about my usual day at the why answer the help-desk line. This one…. Really makes me laugh!!! I do miss that place AND the people I came in contact with when I worked there.

From: Melton, Erin
Sent: Wednesday, July 19, 2006 5:11 PM
Subject: this has been my day

• No - I am NOT your travel agent – I can not tell you the cheapest place for you to stay while you are here in charlotte.
• No - I can not help you get a free membership
• No - I can not give you directions to the Y in Atlanta.
• No - I can not transfer you to the health department.
• No - this is not social services.
• No - we do not have a bed here for the teenager you don’t want living with you anymore.
• No - you may not speak to the CEO about how the pool is always too cold for you – or how you are mad we let children swim in our pools.
• No - we do not only let men in –
• No - we will not help you pay your bills – we do not give away money
• No - this is not the Belmont YMCA –
• No - my name is not Charlotte.
• No - No one here want to talk to you about our printing needs.
• No - there is no one here named Sharika.