a fork in the road...

......

Another turning point, A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist - directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test and don't ask why.

It's not a question, But a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind.

Hang them on a shelf in good health and good times

Tattoos and memories and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right.

i hope we have the time of our lives.

Lately I have been feeling like I have this huge decision to make. God has, more than once, laid things out for me pertaining to many paths I have chosen in my life. And all I can gather now - is HE is pretty much YELLING at me that I am going the wrong way. Every step I take there seems to be these small paths leading in other directions. I keep hearing him say "Opps honey, you missed the last chance, so here's another". Yet I continue to just ignore what I know He wants for me. I keep telling myself that if I hold out long enough maybe the path I want .... will connect to the path He wants for me.

It's like driving a car that is falling apart.... oh how you LOVE that car .... first an oil leak, a crack in the windshield, flat tires, hoses bust.....and then .... sputter..... it finally just breaks down and of course with my luck it's when I am left stranded. If only .... if only I had watched the signs and worried more about the DRIVER (that's me), than a car that obviously just had no potential to begin with.

Why do I choose to hibernate in a job, a love, a friend, poor health when I know in the long run I could have spared TIME and just made a change myself. Yes, some of it was WORTH all the while.....but I wonder what I have missed out on....

So this ones to the fork ..... the fork in my road

(sometimes feels like a fork in my eye)

Maybe soon I will be strong enough to veer off the main path and RUN RUN RUN into what he has waiting for me!!

I am actually smiling at this moment thinking about how free it will be to REALLY listen to HIM for once instead of myself!

(I envision birds chirping, music playing, people laughing, and ME .....SMILING AND HAPPY......FOREVER!)

I am......

I read a post of the friend the other day that inspired me to take some time to jot down some thoughts. Thanks for your post KW, love ya!

I am ....

~ a newly planted tree when I was two - that I actually remember tying a blow-up Easter Bunny too
~ a child who eats pennies, safety pins,and all of my grand mothers life savers when my mother's not looking.
~ a ravioli eater for dinner when my mother got tired of fighting with me over eating what she cooked.
~ a hide-n-seeker & kickball player with my sisters and the next door boys when I was in elementary school
~ the daughter that always got the yellow room in each house growing up ...orange carpet in one house!

~ a choir girl, hand bell ringer, & liturgical dancer growing up in church
~ a little girl who remembers laying in the back of the station wagon with my sis's on the way to the beach.
~ a 4th grader who was told by a classmate that i should never wear shorts to hide my ugly legs.
~ a 6th grader whose Great Grand mother passed away on Christmas day unexpectedly - she was so amazing!
~ a 7th grader who feel in love with her best boy friend only to watch him move away.
~ a 10th grader who got caught stealing and ended up paying $500 and 6 months community service
~ a junior high student who sneaks out with 8 friends to share 1 cig & 1 beer and to walk around the streets
~ a girl whose first real "grown up" kiss was in front of my entire family & half the school..... and horrible
~ a girl who skipped junior prom to hang out with my best guy friend. DWB
~ a girl whose senior prom date thought I owed him something and was saved by a family friend my age!
~ a young adult who sings loudly in the car to Christian music & cannot fathom NOT having Christ in my life.
~ a 20 year old whose best friend died in a car accident and will never forget him or that feeling of loss. DWB
~ a 25 year old singing karaoke in bars, late nights with the girls, and too many jello shots at parties
~ a 30 year old who never gets told she looks her age ..... LOVE IT!
~ a grown woman who loves her cat Pee Pee more than life... i hug him, bite him, and LOVE him so much!
~ a 34 year old feels like i Wasted lots of time ... i want my children to know my grandmother (no babies yet)
~ a animal lover, feeder, caregiver, whom I talk to and think they understand me!
~ from a father who will never know how much he's worth and who wishes he could change the past.
~ from a mother whose "heart is as big as a house". And I am proud & thankful to be like her in many ways.
~ from a maternal grand mother who is worth more than anything
~ from a step-grandfather who I wish had been here all along!
~ from paternal grand parents who were always themselves and excepted everyone just the way they are!
~ attached to 2 sisters who are my friends and I would give anything for them.... and vise versa!
~ part of a brady bunch family that loves no matter what
~ from a stepfather who is always there....even at 4am - always knows how to make me laugh or stop crying!
~ from many bad mistakes & wrong turns. Lost.... love, friends, new life,& money just to make others happy.
~ a young woman whose heart has been broken so many times, yet it continues to overflow with love.
~ blue eyes, a big smile that curls up at the corners of my lips, and forever long brown hair.
~ circles of friends from all backgrounds. I have been the ring leader, party planner, and ms. gossip at times.
~ a hard worker; kennel cleaner, hostess, salesperson, manager, trainer, assistant, party planner.....
~ merchandiser, car detailer, maid, trivia lead, stocker, organizer, volunteer mentor, and many more....
~ a tailgating, football watching, hotdog eating girl on sundays!

~ someone who always puts on the "other persons shoes" before I even begin to pass judgement.
~ a speed racer in my red truck - who managed to get hit by a drunk driver but only had a few broken bones!

~ a girl whose therapy is to walk the mall .... or just shop alone with the nice cup of starbucks!
~ either lake side, beach side, mountain top......a hiker, swimmer, and sun tanner with lots of protection
~ a tornado of emotions - I cry when I think of how lucky I am and all the people i love.

~ afraid that when i pass away .... i will be forgotten quickly.
~ grateful .... for each moment of life, regrets included.
~ a child of God and I am the only ME there is!!!

that's not all ...... :) I'm a work in progress!

a little catch'in up....

Things around here have been about the same. Busy as ever, no money, and trying to just deal. All in all I think I am doing ok. Got a trip planned for this coming labor day to the mountains to stay at a friends house. Anything I do now has to be free ..... so any invites to go anywhere and I JUMP at the chance!! AND this place is just amazing. I did pick up a PT job working wednesday nights at a local bar running trivia. LOVE IT!!! and I think the people there are actually starting to be regulars because of me! Yay for being fun! and getting paid to be fun is grrrrreat!! well here are some pictures from the first Carolina Panthers game last weekend. We hit the BUD tent and drank and ate for free during tailgating! it PAYS to have connections!

....... ...... ............


And my babies :)

Table for one?......

Soooooo in reading an article the other day in a local Charlotte Magazine I found myself laughing and crying at what this columnist had to say. She was giving a brief overview of the reasons why she felt she should stay single. Her main reason being that if she stopped dating she would lose any material that stems writing a great column. She dove into all the main guys in her life and the things they did that were just STRANGE. Then she took a hard left and admitted all the funny and down right crazy things SHE had done to guys and while being "in love".

It made me think ..... I have enough good and bad to write and entire freaking book.

SO ..... I think that's what I might do :)

Or at least blog? So I may start another blog where I write about lost loves and lost sanity ...... would anyone read it? AND would I have people laughing and crying like she had me all in a matter of two pages? We will see ...... more to come!

Oh and NO I do not want to be single forever .... (I am not single at the moment either)

I am not even sure where to start ..... need to do a lot of thinking on this one!

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IN DEBT AND DROWNING.......

So the credit card companies are out to get me. They have jacked up interest rates, lowered my available credit, and are taking up any extra money that I was using to feed my pets and myself. I am falling apart and do not know what to do. I have tried tons of loaners, banks, and even relatives. No one can help me. My debt to income ratio is so out of whack. I call one card to talk about helping me – they automatically lower my limit which alerts the credit report agencies to look like I have maxed my cards out. Then all the other cards FREAK out and start lowering limits, jacking up fees…….which has put me in a hole. I do not know what to do. I worked for a non-profit for over 10 years so I do not make that much money. At the end of paying bills & credit cards I have $200 dollars left to live off of each month. I put 40 bucks a week in my truck just to get to work …… so you see – no money even left to eat off of.

Where did this debt come from you ask? Well – when I was younger I was engaged and planning to get married. BUT close to the date he came clean about sleeping with ANYONE who would let him and we broke it off. We had put so much stuff on my credit agreeing to pay it off together and he left me with it all. I have NOTHING to show for it either. Then after all that fun I had a roommate bail out on me to help her family with finances and she left me with a $1000 rent to pay on my own (non-profit worker at the time). So I used my credit cards to pay for rent. Helping out friends along the way by loaning money…. I am now WAY in over my head.

I have been told NO MATTER what I do…. DO NOT use a credit consolidation company. That nowadays they are ALL scammers. So do I claim bankruptcy? I have a second job right now pulling in about 300 bucks extra a month. My FT job is pretty good pay. I sell things on ebay …. But what do I do now? If you have any really good suggestions please let me know. Either comment ….. or email me at erinmelt10@aol.com

Not into becoming a stripper,...........I believe winning the lottery is not something in my fate..........and ….well I can’t be a hooker-just not in my personality. So what do I do?

oh baby!

So last week on June 25th my sister had her first baby ....

Peyton Grace

weighing in at 6 lbs 4 oz.

She is a cu -uh -u- tie!

I have 2 nephews, so this is my first niece!!

I am very excited about all the dressy and fun girlie things that are to follow!

Other than that, not much has been going on.

I am trying to find a good part-time job as money is really tight right now.

I am considering waiting tables at my favorite bar .... just afraid it will make it NOT my favorite anymore.... not sure.

I hate the fact that summer is here and I may have to spend it working, but debt will do that to you!!

well that's all for now i suppose.

What a day ....

well .... today has not been the best. I was woken up at midnight by a friend calling to let me know a girl whom I use to hang out with had passed away. From what they are saying she overdid the fun stuff this weekend and now is no longer with us. Not sure if she just took too many pills or on purpose .... took something. I feel very sad for her. She and I were not really friends anymore, but if I had known I would have maybe hugged her the last time I saw her.... ya know? 38 yrs old and gone now. RIP...Wendy. I sat up all night thinking about life, and just wondering what would happen if it were me. Would no one miss me for days? Who would pack up my stuff? what would people find out about me that they never knew? What have I done for others that would make my existence worthwhile? What is my purpose now?

A friend's mom passed away last month from cancer. Very sad story really. She has now taken in her mother's 3 cats and while away this week to spread her mother's ashes, one died. I, along with another girl, were taking care of them. The vet said she was just an old cat and too depressed to go on. I feel that way some times. I am actually glad i was not the one who found the cat, as i would be in the fetal position on the floor next to that sweet sweet creature. That little kitty loved her mother so much she just could not live without her. Brings tears to my eyes.

so good notes .... my sister is in her last week (hopefully) of pregnancy. Little Peyton Grace will be coming to meet us soon!! I can't wait to meet her. AND I had a biopsy done on my face ... NO CANCER!! YAY! And i ended up having a pretty good birthday regardless of finding out a little bit of info I didn't really want to know about someone close to me. All in all .... what a way to start 34. You will notice my cute younger friends thought it would be funny to mess with the years on my cake .... however they did say i will be 29 yrs old every birthday....... from this year forward!! Works for me!

sister, brother-in-law, step-dad, grand parents, Amy & Melissa, sister & mom

oh and I didn't mean to sound stupid in the earlier post. I know 20 is half way to 40, however when speaking about 30-40 .... 35 is half way. that's what i meant!!! ha :)

Happy birthday to me (tomorrow)

Happy Birthday to me (at midnight)

Happy Birthday to me (I'm old)

Happy Birthday to me (this blows)

well .... at midnight I will have to tell people i am 34. I guess.... right?

I think I can pull off 28.

What do you think?

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I can NOT believe I am almost half way to 40 ..... FREAKING 40.

gees .....

Every year I got bowling with friends & family which is SO much fun. Here's my cake last year ...

what a good best friend i have, she went out of her WAY to make me smile last year! LOVED IT!

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Every year on my birthday i cry .... just for a little bit. My best friend and I shared the same date of birth. He died in a car accident in 1995 .... 14 years ago. And i can STILL remember the last phone conversation we had... I miss him and wish he were still alive. Happy 35th Birthday Daniel Wilson Berry.... miss you!

psst .... here i am .... I'm here... I'm here

I do not have too much time to post, but realized how long it has been. I wish I could pour my heart out onto these pages, because what some of you think and say about my life actually means a lot to me. HOWEVER .... some things are just meant to be private.... so if you really want to know more I can tell you if you ask.

My life is still crazy. things seem to be getting back on track and in the direction I had hoped for, but as of this weekend I am sitting here alone, again. Trying to figure out why my "eye of ra" keeps telling me there is a lot of deception in my life. I can be told over and over again that things ARE the way they ARE..... but when you FEEL that something is not right..... well... a girl just knows.

I refuse to be a fool .... again. I have had people in my past tell me "why do you let people treat you with any less respect than you deserve?" ..... then turn around and actually DO something that hurts me and expect me to just deal. But my heart can no longer take it. A tool is a tool.... (I was told that this weekend). So my friends who have stepped, my exs who have stepped, and those who think they will be stepping in the future ....

LOOK OUT .... cause it will not be ON ME ANYMORE.

I am done,

toast,

finished,


all tapped out.....


please .... exit left and DO NOT LOOK BACK.

YOU ARE NOW IN THE TIME OUT CHAIR!!

Because I am moving on.

Period :)

Miss you blogger friends! I will be catching up on reading your blogs soon!!

so tired of being sad ....

It seems each day I wake up I try to think positive.... but it never fails that I am reminded of how things are not as I wish they were. I am SO tired of feeling depressed. I ignore the good things, advances, and even gestures from others because I am so wrapped up in my consuming heart ache. In high school I could cry on command.... now I can NOT stop the tears from flowing. It is amazing to me that I let myself get so attached to anything or anyone in my life. I know that at anytime anyone I love could leave, pass away, or just not be around anymore. I believe that telling people how you feel and being honest are the only really TRUE way to having a happy full life, but to what purpose now ..... if only they choose to walk away? I am trying really hard to not become bitter. But I am tired of feeling like I am always the one being hurt. I am tired of crying alone .... crying for the one I miss ..... when i KNOW he does not feel the same. Am I just unworthy of love?

I DO deserve all the things my heart desires ----- when do I get to be happy?

looking up....

I am slowly figuring out that maybe all the bad things in my life latley have been happening because God wants me to have less stress in my life. A new job .... more free time.... more groups of friends. I am trying to think positive here and really think that all the things that have been taken away ... or are changing - really caused me a lot of stress. Yes, I was happy with these things, but I never realized just how much stress on a moment to moment basis they put on me. So for now.... I am looking up (into the clouds, the moon, the sky ... where He is...) and I am thinking - I know soon I will say "thank you God" with open raised arms for all the good things that are coming ..... I know they are coming!!!!

I just need to let go of all the things I hold onto so I have two empty hands to accept what He wants me to have!!!!!!!!!!

oh what a world...

well..... a fake smile is pretty much what I had on all weekend. I managed to get spend some quality time with one I desire the most .... but I am still weepy as I am unsure of how things will go and to be honest I feel like I am losing my best friend. I had a house warming party friday night, a birthday party saturday, and super bowl on sunday. I am lucky to be as busy as I am - gives me less time to think. No - I am not one of those people who needs or even enjoys time alone. I think time alone is wasted time. So here are a few pictures from the birthday party saturday night. Ignore the puffy eyes :(

I will admit that i had a good time though. I met some new people and saw some old friends that I have not seen in a while. So it was good to be out on my own. There is so much bed stuff and drama going on right now in my life... marriages ending, friendships in turmoil, sick babies, lost jobs ...... It is hard to think positive when everything is falling apart. Any words of enlightenment my dear blogging friends????

hey hey hey ....

well Merry Christmas, Happy New year, and HAPPY NEW JOB for me!!

I started my new job today. Working for a compliance company... so far so good!!! Just admin work but everyone seems really nice!!

I am gonna post some pics below from Christmas, New Years, and a mountain trip. things here are getting better. I went ot chruch last sunday - first time in a long time. It's the church i grew up in so there were HUGS out the wazzu for me. I felt at home and very welcome. I plan on going more in this new year. My court date for mr. dirty mexican is January 20th. Hope he gets deported!!! Miss you all!!!!!

Christmas ... sisters, and one of my step-bros

New Years eve at Common House

And Seven devils Mountain trip