coming full circle....

you are safe .....

2011-02-06T12:04:00.005-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but to be honest i have been a bit depressed. The previous post really sent me into some dark places, but as of now I am feeling much better.

I am the kind of girl who is always trying to look at the good in all situations. I always have to work through what God might be trying to teach me in each thing. And until last week I just could not see even a tiny reason why He let me get involved with someone like the past guy and why it ended so quickly and as painful as it was.

Driving in my truck the other day the end of a song was streaming....."you are safe, child.... know you are safe" and it really came over me. Maybe God realized (as I originally did) that THIS guy was not the one for me. HOW COULD HE BE? I know - without sounding conceited, that I deserve someone who is mentally sound, stable, and living in reality. And the PAST guy was NOT. Maybe this was God's way of showing me, that what i think I want.....is NOT what I deserve. Now.....I am safe. I know he would have ended up hurting me. Mentally, physically, in any way possible. Because he likes to hurt others, and he likes to hurt himself.

I think GOD for keeping me safe. I an thankful that this lesson was only a few months and not years like the ones in my past. I am just constantly reminding myself that when i start to get upset over losing what i thought I wanted, I am actually telling God that he does not know what he is doing. I would never want to be ungrateful for the things in my life....or the things He has taken out of my life to ..... KEEP ME SAFE.

I am safe. And sometimes it takes God - pulling the rug out from under you to make you realize this.

I thank Him.

Disappointment has a name......

2010-12-27T14:10:00.006-05:00

GIVE ME A ...... J

GIVE ME AN......A

GIVE ME AN......S

GIVE ME AN ....

OK - I'll stop there

I use to believe people when they told me things. I am a "trust from the beginning" kind of girl. That goes for friendships & relationships. But the past few years it has been burned into my brain that everyone lies .... and almost everyone is ok with lying.

Not me.

From the beginning the sweetness flowed. One compliment after the other. One promise after the other. AND without me asking for any of it.

"All I want is you"

"I want to take care of you forever"

"It feels like we could last forever"

"You are everything I could ever want"

"I have never had anyone make me feel this way and I hope it lasts forever"

BLAH BLAH BLAH.....shut up

3 weeks of NON STOP words from what i know now is his tiny little cold heart.

AND I fell for it. My very first impression a year ago was to run (see previous post). But there was something so different about him now. A kindness in his eyes, a sweetness in his smile. I felt SO wrong for having judged him before. How could I have almost passed him by?

but now I know .....my first impression was true. DOUCHE to the TENTH power. How can someone be so cold. How can the most masculine man....be such a coward vagina now? and how the HELL did he trick me into believing he was a good person?

he managed to take a conversation where i was trying to share something personal with him - and turn it into a chance to hurt my feelings. OK JASSHOLE - I get that there's some scorned girl who still wants you ..... and you feel guilty for jumping into things with me when she is hurting.

thanks for making me feel MORE LESS valuable than I already did.

Thank you for sharing with me. Thank you for stomping on my heart. Thank you for taking the confidence I DID have and pureeing it into nothing.

How easy it is for me to easy all those messages. Delete all those emails. But how do I erase them from my mind?

If he can do this much damaged in 4 weeks, then i am headed for doom.

Amazing how a little twinkle of hate can make the biggest heart shut down.

SHUT DOWN.

I'm not in it to win it, I'm in it for you ......

2010-11-23T15:56:00.008-05:00

I am throwing it all on the table. I am wishing on the stars....and praying that THIS amazing person is the one God has planned for me to share my life with.

there is someone that seriously breezed through my life a year ago and this past weekend reappeared. And I can only hope that the year in between was to allow both of us to grow. I am amazed and in awe at how much I adore him so quickly.

I can only hope that this will work .....and if not, I will feel i missed out on the best relationship I could have ever had....faith is all I have.

While everybody else is getting out of bed
I’m usually getting in it
I’m not in it to win it
And there’s a thousand ways you can skin it
My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Remember winger
I digress
I confess you are the best thing in my life
But I’m afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There’s no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

If it’s love
And we decide that it’s forever
No one else could do it better
If it’s love
And we’re two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
And if I’m addicted to loving you
And you’re addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That’s enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own
Can’t be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne
’cause it’s poison
We can travel to Spain where the rain falls

Mainly on the plain side and sing
’cause it is we can laugh we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything
Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

You can move in
I won’t ask where you’ve been
’cause everybody has a past
When we’re older
We’ll do it all over again
When everybody else is getting out of bed
I’m usually getting in it
I’m not in it to win it
I’m in it for ......you

Train, If It's Love

It's all the same if everybody leaves her.......

2010-11-22T15:37:00.000-05:00

She hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.

She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and compliments.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

She's given boys what they want, tried to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She's perfect but only in her imperfections.
She would change everything for happy ever after.

She's not a drama queen, she doesn't want to feel this way
She's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's OK.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful..... disaster

Where do you move when what you're moving from is yourself?

I found myself fighting for a chance, but this is who I really am....inside.

I love ketchup....

2010-11-12T09:28:00.009-05:00

but this is a different kind of catch up :)

I have a few blogs sitting as drafts. Some happy, some sad and i can;t seem to bring them to life on my blog. so they will sit for now. But here are a few pictures from the past few months to "ketchup"!

Halloween of course!!! Prom night massacre. We headed to Dixies to see Ke$ha. She was so awesome in concert!
.....................................................

I worked many a beer fest .... one of my favorite things to do, and panther games too!

Made pickles with Mr. BIG DILL (whom i am crushing on) and made personalized wine bottles for my step-brother's wedding that is this coming weekend.

311 concert and many others with Melissa and my normal weekend fun with my BF Amy

and spent some quality time with my kitties :)

well that's not all, but a little of what I've been up to!

I miss you .....

2010-08-26T16:44:00.038-04:00

"oh, i miss You so.......the feeling of forever
oh, what pulls at my heart ......it hurts to remember

i had a fleeting thought this morning and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are"

When I have time to myself I like to listen to music that really allows me to think about my life. All the good and bad, all those people and things that have come and gone. I just sit and miss ….. I miss people. I miss places. And I wonder….do they feel me, missing them? Do they ever sit and think of me or things that I may have been part of?

Does anyone miss me?

My best friend……wow. That term could actually include a few souls.

Dan. Gone from this place. I miss his long hippy hair. His laugh. I miss the way his voice on the phone always relaxed me and how he could find the perfect song to lift my mood. I thank him for teaching me how to find connections with every person i meet.

Joslyn. I miss her friendship. I miss the way she could make me laugh so hard I would cry. I miss the fact that I felt like we were so connected without words. I miss how she trusted me with the most intimate thing.

PeePee. Yes, my cat. I miss his sweet loving eyes. I miss waking up in the middle of the night because I felt him starring at me. I miss that LOVE you hard that he'd drool. I miss that he would let me treat him however i wanted and love me back. I miss him running to be near me when i cried. I miss him. Period

my family.

my great grand mother. her loving hands and rocking chair. her food. her smile. and her purse in church full of candy.

my grand father. Cigarette in both hands. A big sense of humor and the best laugh. And the back yard of their house when i was little.

All of my great aunts. the stories. the family gatherings. the feeling that i was surrounded by women that were JUST like me. Always being welcomed and loved.

Past affairs of the heart

My first love...the one i should have never let get so close. The one who taught me to be in the moment and let the world go. Those eyes....I miss the way they would look at me without judgment. I miss that passion to be with me that he carried.

I won't go into details of actual relationships of the heart.....it's sad really, when a bond just disappears. But I could list more than one thing I miss about anyone who I have had a connection with that is no longer close to me. I would hope they would hold me somewhere in their heart.

places.

I guess i miss the feeling of places. I miss Josh's driveway, just spending time looking over charlotte. I miss Camp Tekoa. I miss the feeling that I experienced going there when i was younger. My great grandmothers house. The back yard of the house i grew up in. So many places have so many moments, so I guess it's the moment I miss.

Not exactly sure where I was going with this post, but I have been writing it for days. I just felt like I needed to write down the things I still carry in my heart. And always will. Since I can't really express these things to those i think about the most, this seemed to be a good way of letting some of it out. So if you ever wonder .... yes, I probably miss something about you. :)

I'm still here!

2010-07-01T09:29:00.007-04:00

I have been so busy the past few weeks. I have a lot of blogging and blog reading to catch up on! I have a new temporary roommate that i have known for years.... he has stocked my fridge and is cleaning daily :) a male maid & cook .... OK!!! I have been on several blind dates, a few were fun and one or two .... I can see why these guys are still single! Example: 41 years old, works at a bank and he tells me "Most women lie about their age and weight when it comes to blind dates. But you are pretty much just like your picture. And as for your weight, you just carry it mostly below the waist" WTF????????????? OMG - then he proceeded to tell me that my choice in neighborhoods to hang out in was not well thought out. I love Noda here in charlotte. It's our artistic... you can be anybody, neighborhood. He says "people that hang out over there are all tattooed up and smoke THE CHRONIC" - what? did he really use that word? OH YES, and more than once. So.... this is why I refuse to date anyone in their 40's. I would love to be proven wrong though but I am certain that is NOT going to happen! Anyhoo here are some catch up pics....trips, bdays, weddings!!!

Happy Birthday to Me???

2010-06-03T09:13:00.009-04:00

35 is quickly closing in. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, but as the last few days of 34 wind down….I can’t help but panic a little. I keep telling myself it’s no big deal, but the fact that I will be closer to 40 than 30. (if you read back to my previous b-day post you’ll see my thought process has always been the same). A friend reminded me last night that I will STILL be closer to 1 than 100 so to CALM DOWN. Last night as I was running trivia at DG Bar I made the mistake of telling the bartender about up upcoming doom. He then proceeded to tell EVERYONE in the bar that my birthday was coming.

Now, in normal Erin fashion I kept telling people I’d be 28. Most believed me but one group of fellows wanted proof ----- as in they thought I was YOUNGER. When they finally convinced me to show my id, they all sat in complete silence as they passed it around. Then one, who sounded as if he was going through puberty, says “wow….there’s hope for the future”. And they all started laughing. And the compliments and competition for my attention started. The last lingering guy managed to corner me as he was leaving (22 years old and in law school) and he says “I can only hope I will be as exciting and young as you are in my 30’s. AND if not, I hope the girl I am with is JUST LIKE YOU”. Then he asked me for my number. I politely said no. I do have to say it was flattering, but at the same time….there are guys I use to babysit that are older than this boys.

I don’t want to grow up.

I don’t want to grow old.

I don’t want to ever be less than who I am now.

I like who I am, so who cares if I am closer to 40? (well, me of course) but maybe for now that will just be our little secret.

Oh my god .... ME TOO

2010-05-14T16:41:00.005-04:00

It is funny to me how telling someone a story from my past can create a bond that might have never happened and vise versa. In spending time with some work folks in NJ I had the opportunity to really talk to some of the people i support. And in doing so got to share some of the amazing (and embarrassing) events that have brought me to where I am today. And in doing so, I heard more than once (out of a grown mans mouth) "Oh my God, me too." In that moment a bond was formed. And WOW - how I am over joyed about it. I am learning that no matter where i am, or what i am doing, the person beside me has some story to tell. Even if it's how much we both hate waiting in line, how they lost a pet, or how they love the song that is playing. Taking that moment and sharing something can create such a bond. I have many friends in my life that actually stemmed from small conversations either in stores, bars, at work, or just out and about. I use to hate the fact the strangers were drawn to talk to me, but now i welcome it. (Sometimes they are a little creepy.... but you just take two steps back!!).

Anyhoo ... that's my thought for today. Oh and the bad mood from the last post is all gone!! Even with a few disappointing moments lately I am all smiles and cartwheels.

And here, just to add a picture is my sweet Hurley (aka Buddy).

Awe, what a life he has.

oscar the grouch

2010-05-04T16:21:00.011-04:00

"Wow, what a bad mood you're in"

I have heard that today from 3 people and it's only half over. For some reason I am ill. Tired and feeling that old feeling of just wanting to punch a baby. (that just made me laugh ... cause that would be HORRIBLE to actually do that)

I am just tired. I feel like the old mean jaded Erin today. Lucky for me i know I will fall asleep tonight with a list of things i thank God for .... and in the morning the bad mood will be gone. I do have to share that all those old feelings are stirred up today. I am SO tired of allowing myself to get stepped on. Even with my new found freedom of 'being the best me' I am finding that my feelings are still being hurt. I am sick and tired of going to SECOND weddings of people when I am nowhere close to being married. I am TIRED of ex's whining to me about not receiving love when what I offered was obviously not enough. I am SICK of meeting people that i think are so amazing only to compare myself to them ...making me think I am boring. Lately i have been having some really bad luck. Locked myself out, wrecked my truck, a bird died on my windshield, two broken windows 2 weeks in a row at the house, AND a creepy "You smell fantastic" note on my door. (there's no one i can imagine would have written that).

I had a friend say "Wow, Karma is coming to get you" but NO.... karma? The past 6 months I have done nothing but bend over backwards helping people. FUCK - my entire life. Going out of my way to help others.....so no, not Karma. I just want to know when it's my turn.

again, tomorrow is a new day.....maybe Karma and I can have a drink tonight and come to an agreement.

2010-04-19T09:39:00.010-04:00

A few years ago I started suffering from sever nightmares & actual night terrors. The nightmares were enough to wake myself up either screaming or crying. The doctor believed it was due to stress and not being in the best health. So I changed things. I started watching t.v. before bed, something light and funny. I started eating better and watching what I ate before bed. I starting going to bed earlier. Things managed to become a lot better. I found in trying to sleep more soundly that when I did wake up from a bad episode that talking about whatever I was dreaming about actually helped (in the case of a night terror I had NO clue what the dream was about). At some points I would be so deep in sleep and a dream that my bed-partner would actually have to SHAKE me to wake me up at which point uncontrollable sobbing would occur. I remember many times waking up and feeling as if I NEEDED to take care of whatever bad event had happened in my dream. In some situations I would call whoever I was dreaming about, check the cat to make sure he was breathing, or just drop to my knees and beg God to make them stop. I am lucky enough to have beat whatever stresses were causing me to have such horrible nights. I have not had an episode except for one at a friends house a week or so ago. Lucky for him, the pounding of my heart actually woke me up before I was too into whatever was going on in my brain. I am not sure what caused this last one, as I have managed to remove SO much stress in my life and really feel HAPPY now. BUT …. Last night was a different story. I woke myself up gasping for air and sobbing SO HARD. I remember my dream, I actually CAN NOT seem to stop thinking about it today. Unfortunately for me it was about someone who is now deceased and in my dream they were actually telling me what I could have done to save them. What a horrible dream. For people who do not have nightmares …. They will never understand. It’s like having the worst day of your life OVER AND OVER again. And NOT being able to change things. When these do happen for me they are about being caught in a fire, being attacked, friends & family dying, being lied to by a that someone special, and the WORLD ENDING. They are not about unimportant silly things. So ….. I woke myself up with a huge gasp, and because talking about it is good for me …… I talked to the CAT. Yep. I didn’t really think there would be anyone awake at 5am that would want to chat about it, so Lu Lu was my go too. She was very helpful too as she snuggled up next to me to help me fall back asleep! All I know is I DO NOT want to go back to having this happen every night. So....suggestions? Ideas? Inappropriate jokes? I am awake and listening!

I refuse to be tormented while I am sleeping.

There.... i said it!

2010-04-08T16:02:00.029-04:00

I have issues.

Issues with myself, and issues in relationships.
Can't deny it, so this is me admitting it.

I have a crapload of issues.

I'm severely insecure. I'm jealous.
I suffer from depression. I overanalyze.
I fall too hard after fighting to not fall at all.
I'm stubborn, and I'm pretty much always right.
I naively want the forever-kinda-love.

So that's me. And I've always let these things ruin me.
Bring me lower, and blame myself for failures.

But y'know what? Fuck that.

I'm also pretty friggin' awesome.
I'm insanely loyal. I'm overly supportive.
I love TOO deeply. But do not regret it.
I'd give you everything I owned if it would make you happy.

I'm fun. I'll make you laugh until you can only cry.
I'll drink beer with you and sing loudly, but you'll be amused by it.
I'll sit and watch the game with you. And enjoy it.
I'll be in my element at a concert with you. And you'll enjoy it.
I'll make you wonder where I've been all your life.
And I'll make you love me.

So if I've allowed myself to be beaten down by others in the past,
or to feel unappreciated and unwanted,
and just plain not good enough...

That's their issue.

We all have many flaws.
But I will no longer let you, or anyone, make me feel like less
because of mine.

And now i am a little thief ... thanks to my possible twin separated at birth..... Kris !!!

Driving Alone

2010-03-26T16:27:00.012-04:00

It is funny how the only time I really like to be alone is when I am driving. I could always associate with the song " In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel because of the famous line "when I want to run away I drive off in my car”. I always tend to run to my car when I am upset or need time alone. I have been learning that the reason I do this is because of a few pretty simple things.

First, I am the one in control. Control of where I go, what I see, what I hear….and where I end up. Second, because I am surrounded by windows and at most times have a clear view of the sky. I always feel more hopeful when I can see the sky, towards Him. Third, I get to be consumed by the music that I choose. I can be full of rage and belt out loud full of emotions songs. It allows me to get out all of my aggression. Or if I am in a great place I can listen to music that either takes me back to wonderful places in my life or some song I may have just found and explore what comes out as I drive. Some times I end up out in the country, singing with the windows down. And sometimes I end up in my driveway, tears streaming not wanting to leave the comfort of my car, the sky, and the music.

This thought actually seemed from this morning. I was thinking about how I am sometimes moved my instrumental music in the oddest places. At work in the bathroom – or course – the range of music is actually pretty amazing. This morning I found myself just standing by the sink so I could enjoy an acoustic guitar solo that made me think about something that happened when I was 19. It was a wonderful, yet very moving and personal tug at my heart right there in the bathroom. I love these artist and musicians for being so giving of their talents. I would give up many things in my life to be able to move someone as much as this music moves me.

I had someone ask me what song I felt MOST reflected my life. ONE SONG? I would have an endless list of such a wide genre of music that there is no way I could ever narrow it down to one. I am lucky enough to have a huge spectrum of types of friends who have helped me learn to appreciate all types of music, culture, and lifestyles. And then I have a few friends look at me cross-eyed when I show emotion towards a song. How can you hear the music or hear the words and NOT be moved? All I can say is, I am thankful for the connection that I feel to music, because I know it is a lasting TRUE thing. And it makes me feel more alive!

.

catching up.....

2010-03-24T10:36:00.019-04:00

So just to catch up on some good pics….

a few St Patty’s pictures.

And yesterday I had an old co-worker from the YMCA forward me an email she found that I had written many years ago about my usual day at the why answer the help-desk line. This one…. Really makes me laugh!!! I do miss that place AND the people I came in contact with when I worked there.

From: Melton, Erin
Sent: Wednesday, July 19, 2006 5:11 PM
Subject: this has been my day

No - I am NOT your travel agent – I can not tell you the cheapest place for you to stay while you are here in charlotte.
No - I can not help you get a free membership
No - I can not give you directions to the Y in Atlanta.
No - I can not transfer you to the health department.
No - this is not social services.
No - we do not have a bed here for the teenager you don’t want living with you anymore.
No - you may not speak to the CEO about how the pool is always too cold for you – or how you are mad we let children swim in our pools.
No - we do not only let men in –
No - we will not help you pay your bills – we do not give away money
No - this is not the Belmont YMCA –
No - my name is not Charlotte.
No - No one here want to talk to you about our printing needs.
No - there is no one here named Sharika.

2010-03-16T20:00:00.001-04:00

I have a few singers who move me.... some are based on how they move my faith, some my heart, and others because they make me think. Shane & Shane, Breaking Benjamin, Amos Lee, Paramore, 30 Seconds to Mars, Sarah McLachlan, Sun Kil Moon (my new one), and some really old ones Jellyfish, Gene, and some random folk singers that spark memories when i hear them. But today i was listening to this one by Amos Lee and found myself remembering a feeling back in December just like this. Almost like ...I am trapped. I can either play along and deal or be stuck outside staring through a window. It makes me sad, that i felt that way. But glad that i chose to turn and never look in that window again. (This may not make sense unless you know who and what i am talking about.) Anyhoo..... thanks Amos.

And no one says a word to me
They're concerned with my jealousy
Well I guess that's how it's gotta be
From now on

And time, it swallows everything
From the mighty to the meager thing
And it's as dark as it is comforting
To play along

Well what's been going on?
What's been going on?
What's been going on?
Around here

There goes her old beat up car
Outside of our old favorite bar
She's proudly in there playing her guitar
With stars in her eyes

Those are some of my favorite memories
All of those carefree melodies
While I'm out of here on this raging sea
About to capsize

Well what's been going on?
What's been going on?
What's been going on?
Around here

What's been going on?
What's been going on?
What's been going on?
Around here

And no one says a word to me
They're concerned with my jealousy
I guess that's how it's gotta be
From now on

15 years ....

2010-03-15T23:09:00.011-04:00

I was surprised to wake up this morning in a such a somber mood. Other than being really busy lately, I have been in the cheerful mood and incredibly positive! But today there was just something a little off. After doing a handful of expense reports and staring at an agenda I realized that as of today it has been 15 years... 15 years since my best friend passed away. I can still remember the last conversation I ever had with him. He called me, thinking I could help him. That if he could just have me around him I could fix his problems. "I do not see my future"..... and that was it. I made plans to go see him that following weekend but midway through the week I awoke to my sobbing and frantic mother trying to lift out of the bed to look at the tv. Two mangled cars, sobbing students, and firetrucks. Within a few hours my phone was ringing non-stop. Friends who attended college with him all calling me to make sure i knew. Knew what? I could not stop paging him (yes I said paging). hoping he call. Hoping that it just wasn't him. At the funeral the church was overflowing with people. When the path was right, Dan managed to positively influence a lot people. Unfortunately, at the funeral I learned that he was under many influences when he wrecked. He had two passengers in the car with him, and hit another car head on. Oh my sweet best friend ..... "I do not see my future". How that voice and his tone will forever ring in my brain. I will hear it no more.... when my own heart stops beating. I have my faith and my mother to thank for getting me through those horrible times after Dan died. Being hopeless, angry, confused. Looking back it seems as if it was all a tv show. his mother rushing to hug me, the song "Daniel" playing in the car on the way home, and me crying so hard that I felt like everything was moving in slow motion. If he had only known how many people loved him.... and how many people would miss him. And how much I STILL miss him. 15 years later.....

Life is so short and i have always been a believer in being NOTHING LESS than yourself with anyone you encounter. I learned that from Dan. I think about the friends I have now and how heart wrenching it would be to lose one. I know that when i think about Dan, the emotions of a 19 year old rush back. And i feel hopeless all over again. I want to go back to that last call with him and tell him I am on my way .... to fix things. I miss you, Daniel Wilson Berry! You will always be my best friend!

Behind the wheel

2010-03-03T13:47:00.009-05:00

So the other night thanks to a conversation about driving a “big rig” and wanting to be a race car driver I had some very interesting dreams. All made even more exciting due to the fact of my brakes not working in each dream. Most of which involved me heading down a hill towards an airport while driving a “big rig” like a race car driver. I have always been a, what some would say, BAD driver. I think I am a good driver. I mean …. Whom else can take a pick-up truck onto two wheels while going about 90 mph around a sharp curve? ME, or course. And my passenger, well, may be in need of new shorts but the driver just pulls her baseball cap down a little tighter and keeps on speeding!

Back to the point ….So in my free time while being sick the past two days I started thinking about those dreams. Some people believe dreams are always trying to tell you something. When I think about driving that tractor-trailer I can only think that the vessel represents all that makes me who I am. My past, hopes for the future, the stress I carry for others, and all the tasks I take on that weigh me down. And how maybe the dream was telling me it’s time to unload or get rid of some of that weight. Yes, all from a little conversation before bed, right?

Don’t get me wrong. I am proud of who I am. Where I am going. And those I have been fortunate enough to give a ride to along the way. BUT I can only think about how I felt in those moments of panic when the breaks didn’t work. Thinking about how bad all those things crashing forward would feel. Losing control of it all could NOT be a good thing. Now lately in my life I have taken a few measures to actually take care of myself…. before others. Doing this action, which normally comes easy for most people, makes me feel like the most selfish person in the world. But I do understand that taking on other people’s problems has caused my load to become too heavy for me. As I get older I have realized that by “being there” for everyone who needed me I have sabotaged relationships and my future success at certain points in my life. I will admit there were days so full that I laid down to sleep and thought, "oh I didn't eat today". But how do I say no? How do I keep to the road and not get off track helping someone who has always been able to depend on me. A close friend the other day told me he felt that if I continued being there for certain people I would actually be doing them more harm than good. I guess when you keep falling into the same hole over and over again, why would you ever learn to go around it if there is always that hand to help you? Again, how do I say no?

I have always been the friend to get out of bed at 3am to answer the phone, the relative to go out into the dark night to help family, the Godmother to put all things aside for a 13 year old who got into trouble, the stranger who sat on the side of the road with an elderly woman so she would not be alone, and the driver to hand over my fast food order at the red light to a homeless person, because he truly looked hungry. I will always be this person. Always. (that was all in just a one week span). So I have to figure out how to still be “there” and yet trade this "big rig" in for something smaller, with room for a passenger (preferably one who loves me) and a back seat for a kid (or two) one day.

And yet …. In the middle of typing this my phone rang. Someone needs me.

Maybe I just need to find a partner who will understand that I must save the world whenever possible. If I wore a mask & a cape, would it help? .....

oh and I never analyzed the driving to the airport portion of my dream …..I wonder where I was going? Somewhere sunny I hope!

a hit right to the heart .....

2010-02-19T09:00:00.009-05:00

Valentines day proved to be a good one. A friends boyfriend cooked dinner for some of us singe girls including flowers and chocolates! It was a very sweet gesture.

My night ended with a friend from MANY years ago telling me his true feelings for me ..... but ....uh, no. Oh, and dancing and singing Single Ladies did happen.... but no snap shots of it.

(this pic of Lu to the right is her writing a letter to her papa (my ex) telling him she is sending him poop for v-day!!)

I found out yesterday that only after a month and a half of being broken up, the EX who said "I've never been single and feel like i need to take time to just figure things out and get things in order" is actually dating someone. Part of me wanted to laugh .... dating? If you've never been single, then i already know where this one is headed. He actually called me to TELL me he was dating some girl. My ex's all break up with me and accidentally get the next girl prego. (One was actually a stripper). I can admit that it really hurts. Even with all the positive thinking and really trying to LOOK at him and talk myself out of feeling sad.....finding out there is already a replacement is a hit right to the heart. Doesn't our relationship deserve some mourning time? I mean, I was JUST in your bed 2 weeks ago .... it's not even cold. (A bed that is in a house I helped you find, covered with my parents bedspread!!) I know that line gets used on many girls - "space" but we continued to talk once a day if not more....... wtf??? I am still trying to remain positive.

I am CERTAIN there is something I am to learn from this - but GOD would you please just post it on a billboard next time instead of slowly and painfully grinding my heart into the carpet? I guess it still bothers me that I felt I never really got a chance with the ex. And now some random girl gets to come in after all the hard work I put into things. He was always one step away due to his past relationship. Due to being in a selfish place. And due to being ......well, maybe not what God actually wanted for me.

I am sad, again. What's new.

.

trying my darnest ....

2010-02-10T13:03:00.006-05:00

Yes, I am trying my hardest to remain positive and so far .....

I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF :)

With the passing of Pee and all the other reasons listed in the past posts to be upset about, I have a new found outlook that I have decided to live for today and STOP letting the past or others RUIN a.n.y.m.o.r.e of my life!!!! (only occasionally do I tear up from memories)

BUT .......with Valentine's Day approaching I can't help but be reminded that I lost my two favorite boys in a matter of a month. (again...the Ex boyfriend and my Sweet Pee Kitty)

BUT as I look back over all of my V-day's of the past ....I am reminded that they have never really been that great even if there was a special guy in my life. Now don't get me wrong, in some cases I can say that sweetness abounded from some of my ex's most days of the year .... i was lucky in those situations. And in others....the V day was just a day to be disappointed. I mean how hard is it to buy a card and some candy .... come on. And for those guys who say they don't get caught up in the hype that is V day - you are WRONG. You should always take the chance to tell your lady that she is special. And V Day is a good day to do it.

ANY WAY ------

SO this year I will go into it knowing that ANYTHING sweet that happens...
is out of love and not expectation.

And if the day ends without a smile from the opposite sex, then me and my sweet lady LuLu will do a little dance around my house to "Single ladies" and cuddle with each other!!!

Pictures may follow!! :)

good bye to the love of my life

2010-01-26T10:48:00.004-05:00

Oh God .....I can not type what happened,
or how I feel that my heart has died.
All I can say is good bye to my best friend, the love of my life,
and the one I told all my secrets.
My life was SO MUCH GREATER because of you.
I will miss you every moment of my life.
I tried to fix you.
I KNOW how much you loved me and YOU know i loved you MORE.
I will never forget my sweet Pee.

R.I.P sweet Pee Pee

Breaking up is like being buried...... but not dying.

2010-01-11T10:08:00.009-05:00

I read this once somewhere and now i actually understand it ~ "Never make a man a priority when he only makes you an option". Amazing to me how hard i feel like i have worked for things to be good .... just to come to an end. The past 2 weeks have been hard, but luckily God has managed to keep me busy with good things, and bad things. Either way i have had little time to sit and cry over someone who seems to have moved on so quickly.

1. My little Pee kitty is getting old. His kidneys seem to be working less, he has lost 7 lbs, and looks like he has a headache. The vet says we just need to get his diabetes under control, but when they stop eating .... how long can you beg a cat to eat? he just looks at me with those pitiful eyes. The vet says he's not in pain, but i swear he looks at me like I am being mean to him.

2. My sister's boyfriend hit her new years day. In front of his parents. While she was holding their 6 month old baby. Pushed them both into the Christmas tree.Punched her in the face and head a few times. The baby was ok.....thank god. He spent some time in jail after. They think he was 'on' something. His family has promised to keep him away, but he is ANGRY - more than ANGRY. He goes back to court in 2 weeks. Restraining order is in processing. But as for now the family is on call. I will have to stay with her, be the nannie, sleep on the doorstep..... whatever it takes .... to keep her and sweet Peyton safe.

3. Back to the break up. Things were great over NYE. Spent the weekend in the mountains with friends. Had a ball. Then came back to reality. He says he wants to be friends. thinks we should be able to hang out still in a group and it not be a big deal. I tried to explain that it hurts too bad. that watching him leave at the end of the night .... without me ...would break my heart all over again. He just doesn't get it. He says he still has some of "those feelings" for me, that he misses me ..... misses lots of stuff about me .....grrrrrrr..... He says in time I will understand why he did it. That we could have stayed in this place forever, but would have never really been happy. I need time, space, not to see his face to get over this pain. Please..... I feel like i have been buried alive. Funny thing is, I really think I am taking this break up better than I thought i would. I refuse to waste time crying over someone, who I know is not mourning the loss of me.

On a positive note i have been spending a lot more time with my friends. I have really been able to get to know a few of the new ones better due to this break up. I even got a pat on the back from one of the guys .."I must admit sweetie, I really think you are taking this like a trooper. We all know he loves you and you did him. And I know how much this must hurt your heart. But you are really showing us what you are worth by trying to move forward. Don't let this make you feel like you are worthless because we ALL know you are not". Now coming from the fellow that said this....it actually means more than the words could possibly every read. :)

.

Meowy Catsmas ..

2009-12-22T13:16:00.007-05:00

Lord PeePee wanted to be the first to wish you all a Meowy Catsmas!
(yes, that is his name, aka: Doody, or Papa Bird)

I felt the need to place him on my favorite website at
I Can Has Cheezburger.com
I will have a shot of Lady Lu, my girl kitty with Santa tomorrow!

4 day weekend….

2009-12-07T11:47:00.003-05:00

So I took off last Thursday and Friday to attend my yearly charity event “Second String Santa” and decided last minute not to go. It’s a formal fun holiday event where I see tons of people that I just don’t see too much anymore. This year I guess I am just not feeling up to it. So my weekend was filled with planning for HIS move, hanging out with friends at random places, and stressing out!

I did make it to the Carolina Panthers/Tampa Bay game with Moe. Fun filled tailgating, meeting new friends, and just being me…..for a bit.

A little bit of stress-free fun for a few hours!

Go CATS!!!!

Tailgating with Champagne!!!!

And We won, so that made it all the better!And I meet some really nice new people!!!!

Don't drink the cheese...

2009-11-25T12:04:00.005-05:00

So just because it's funny i had to post this. My nephews are some of the funniest kids ever. A few weeks ago we were hanging out at my mom's house snacking on the porch and the minute my sister went inside her son Wesley dove arm full into the nacho cheese. I have never seen someone out so much cheese on ONE chip. My bf and i started laughing at him and it went something like this:

Aunt Erin: Wesley if you eat too much cheese your pooper will get clogged.

BF: Yeah, you'll have to sit on the toilet for days

Wesley: I love this cheese

Aunt Erin: Really Wes .... stop it...you are grossing me out

BF: Really little man, that's kind of gross

Wesley: I don't care .... I ... LOVE ...THIS .... CHEESE

Aunt Erin: Well..... WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRINK IT?

insert straw and here you go!

Funny lil kid .... gotta love him!! (I love cheese too so I can understand him)

Changes are a’coming

2009-11-23T09:45:00.011-05:00

There are going to be some things happening in the next month that are going to mean my comfortable life is going to be rocked.

Change 1: My bf will be moving into his own place. He hasn't really had his own space in a long time and mostly been staying with me. While I am so happy for him and excited about some space, I am so afraid this means we will grow apart. I know we will still see each other, but there is SO much I find relaxing and healing about falling asleep & waking up with him. That, and the fact that he gets so caught up in work and his daily routine that I am afraid he may just forget about me …"oh, opps I haven’t talked to you in a few days". I do know that we fight over silly things right now, and that it may have to do with the fact that we see each other too much. He does need to figure things out and get his life together. Maybe I am just being silly.... we will see though.

Change 2: I am either going to sign on for credit counseling….. or bankruptcy. I have talked with an agency that is going to help me. In 5 years I will be debt free. But I will be VERY low on funds until that date. I know I can not go on like this anymore. Some weeks I have no money for food. I do know it is my fault I am where I am in debt (that wedding that never happened ….that I am still paying for). BUT the credit card companies have screwed me in interest, fees, and all-in-all just everything. So I have to do something. I do admit that the thought of it just disappearing seems nice, even if it’s on my credit report for years to come by filing bankruptcy. At this rate I can’t buy a home or new car anyway …. So why does it matter? I am still unsure what to do, but I will be making a decision here this month.

Change 3: I am doing a complete overhaul of myself. I am going to find the old me …. From years ago that was so confident … even at 200lbs. I WILL begin to demand the things in life that I want and deserve. NO MORE putting up with other peoples crap. Let’s see how that goes!!!

.

Oh please!

2009-11-06T16:31:00.006-05:00

So I haven’t had a chance to upload pics from Halloween, except for the one from my phone. I will get around to that soon.

The night was not what I had hoped for as some disappointment with some people I was with settled in quickly. A 3am walk in the pouring rain to the car proved to be the “last straw” and yet I continued to walk in the same direction for fear of being mugged or kidnapped. (it has been happening a lot here in Charlotte lately). Hopefully there can be some recovery from that night as this week has proved to be a little better.

I am just tired of getting excited about doing something only to have it ruined because I let other people’s actions effect how I feel. Maybe I should just start mimicking what they do that upsets me to see how they like it ….. but I won’t …. Can’t run the risk of them actually thinking I ACT that way on my own accord.

Oh well….this weekend holds a baby shower, football watching, seeing Math Muse perform at Amo’s, and the panthers game!! Hopefully this weekend will be better. PLEASE GOD!

Halloween ......

2009-10-29T15:12:00.006-04:00

I was trying to be something exciting and new for Halloween. But last year I MADE my costume (the belly dancer thing) so I have decided to go with my standard, I think. Especially since we will be going uptown to Alley Cat's for Fangtasia which is themed off of True Blood, so I will more than fit in!!

Although costumes have become a HUGE part of my social life the past few years. I have a group of friends who LOVE to make everything a theme and make everyone dress up ... which I love! I hate I don;t have pictures from the recent ones like the Wig and Mustache or Rock-a-billy.... DARN!

We have the white trash parties ....
............... ..........

Halloween parties ..... ............................................................................. Toga Parties
............... ..........

but my most favorite by far..... my VAMPIRE

I have done it a few times through the years, but there is just something about the black lipstick....teeth....goth look that I just love!!!! Only once a year :)

Happy Trick or Treating!!!

.

a fork in the road...

2009-09-25T15:44:00.012-04:00

......

Another turning point, A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist - directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test and don't ask why.

It's not a question, But a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind.

Hang them on a shelf in good health and good times

Tattoos and memories and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right.

i hope we have the time of our lives.

Lately I have been feeling like I have this huge decision to make. God has, more than once, laid things out for me pertaining to many paths I have chosen in my life. And all I can gather now - is HE is pretty much YELLING at me that I am going the wrong way. Every step I take there seems to be these small paths leading in other directions. I keep hearing him say "Opps honey, you missed the last chance, so here's another". Yet I continue to just ignore what I know He wants for me. I keep telling myself that if I hold out long enough maybe the path I want .... will connect to the path He wants for me.

It's like driving a car that is falling apart.... oh how you LOVE that car .... first an oil leak, a crack in the windshield, flat tires, hoses bust.....and then .... sputter..... it finally just breaks down and of course with my luck it's when I am left stranded. If only .... if only I had watched the signs and worried more about the DRIVER (that's me), than a car that obviously just had no potential to begin with.

Why do I choose to hibernate in a job, a love, a friend, poor health when I know in the long run I could have spared TIME and just made a change myself. Yes, some of it was WORTH all the while.....but I wonder what I have missed out on....

So this ones to the fork ..... the fork in my road

(sometimes feels like a fork in my eye)

Maybe soon I will be strong enough to veer off the main path and RUN RUN RUN into what he has waiting for me!!

I am actually smiling at this moment thinking about how free it will be to REALLY listen to HIM for once instead of myself!

(I envision birds chirping, music playing, people laughing, and ME .....SMILING AND HAPPY......FOREVER!)

I am......

2009-09-16T16:57:00.022-04:00

I read a post of the friend the other day that inspired me to take some time to jot down some thoughts. Thanks for your post KW, love ya!

I am ....

~ a newly planted tree when I was two - that I actually remember tying a blow-up Easter Bunny too
~ a child who eats pennies, safety pins,and all of my grand mothers life savers when my mother's not looking.
~ a ravioli eater for dinner when my mother got tired of fighting with me over eating what she cooked.
~ a hide-n-seeker & kickball player with my sisters and the next door boys when I was in elementary school
~ the daughter that always got the yellow room in each house growing up ...orange carpet in one house!

~ a choir girl, hand bell ringer, & liturgical dancer growing up in church
~ a little girl who remembers laying in the back of the station wagon with my sis's on the way to the beach.
~ a 4th grader who was told by a classmate that i should never wear shorts to hide my ugly legs.
~ a 6th grader whose Great Grand mother passed away on Christmas day unexpectedly - she was so amazing!
~ a 7th grader who feel in love with her best boy friend only to watch him move away.
~ a 10th grader who got caught stealing and ended up paying $500 and 6 months community service
~ a junior high student who sneaks out with 8 friends to share 1 cig & 1 beer and to walk around the streets
~ a girl whose first real "grown up" kiss was in front of my entire family & half the school..... and horrible
~ a girl who skipped junior prom to hang out with my best guy friend. DWB
~ a girl whose senior prom date thought I owed him something and was saved by a family friend my age!
~ a young adult who sings loudly in the car to Christian music & cannot fathom NOT having Christ in my life.
~ a 20 year old whose best friend died in a car accident and will never forget him or that feeling of loss. DWB
~ a 25 year old singing karaoke in bars, late nights with the girls, and too many jello shots at parties
~ a 30 year old who never gets told she looks her age ..... LOVE IT!
~ a grown woman who loves her cat Pee Pee more than life... i hug him, bite him, and LOVE him so much!
~ a 34 year old feels like i Wasted lots of time ... i want my children to know my grandmother (no babies yet)
~ a animal lover, feeder, caregiver, whom I talk to and think they understand me!
~ from a father who will never know how much he's worth and who wishes he could change the past.
~ from a mother whose "heart is as big as a house". And I am proud & thankful to be like her in many ways.
~ from a maternal grand mother who is worth more than anything
~ from a step-grandfather who I wish had been here all along!
~ from paternal grand parents who were always themselves and excepted everyone just the way they are!
~ attached to 2 sisters who are my friends and I would give anything for them.... and vise versa!
~ part of a brady bunch family that loves no matter what
~ from a stepfather who is always there....even at 4am - always knows how to make me laugh or stop crying!
~ from many bad mistakes & wrong turns. Lost.... love, friends, new life,& money just to make others happy.
~ a young woman whose heart has been broken so many times, yet it continues to overflow with love.
~ blue eyes, a big smile that curls up at the corners of my lips, and forever long brown hair.
~ circles of friends from all backgrounds. I have been the ring leader, party planner, and ms. gossip at times.
~ a hard worker; kennel cleaner, hostess, salesperson, manager, trainer, assistant, party planner.....
~ merchandiser, car detailer, maid, trivia lead, stocker, organizer, volunteer mentor, and many more....
~ a tailgating, football watching, hotdog eating girl on sundays!

~ someone who always puts on the "other persons shoes" before I even begin to pass judgement.
~ a speed racer in my red truck - who managed to get hit by a drunk driver but only had a few broken bones!

~ a girl whose therapy is to walk the mall .... or just shop alone with the nice cup of starbucks!
~ either lake side, beach side, mountain top......a hiker, swimmer, and sun tanner with lots of protection
~ a tornado of emotions - I cry when I think of how lucky I am and all the people i love.

~ afraid that when i pass away .... i will be forgotten quickly.
~ grateful .... for each moment of life, regrets included.
~ a child of God and I am the only ME there is!!!

that's not all ...... :) I'm a work in progress!

a little catch'in up....

2009-09-03T16:56:00.009-04:00

Things around here have been about the same. Busy as ever, no money, and trying to just deal. All in all I think I am doing ok. Got a trip planned for this coming labor day to the mountains to stay at a friends house. Anything I do now has to be free ..... so any invites to go anywhere and I JUMP at the chance!! AND this place is just amazing. I did pick up a PT job working wednesday nights at a local bar running trivia. LOVE IT!!! and I think the people there are actually starting to be regulars because of me! Yay for being fun! and getting paid to be fun is grrrrreat!! well here are some pictures from the first Carolina Panthers game last weekend. We hit the BUD tent and drank and ate for free during tailgating! it PAYS to have connections!

....... ...... ............

And my babies :)

Table for one?......

2009-08-13T17:09:00.009-04:00

Soooooo in reading an article the other day in a local Charlotte Magazine I found myself laughing and crying at what this columnist had to say. She was giving a brief overview of the reasons why she felt she should stay single. Her main reason being that if she stopped dating she would lose any material that stems writing a great column. She dove into all the main guys in her life and the things they did that were just STRANGE. Then she took a hard left and admitted all the funny and down right crazy things SHE had done to guys and while being "in love".

It made me think ..... I have enough good and bad to write and entire freaking book.

SO ..... I think that's what I might do :)

Or at least blog? So I may start another blog where I write about lost loves and lost sanity ...... would anyone read it? AND would I have people laughing and crying like she had me all in a matter of two pages? We will see ...... more to come!

Oh and NO I do not want to be single forever .... (I am not single at the moment either)

I am not even sure where to start ..... need to do a lot of thinking on this one!

IN DEBT AND DROWNING.......

2009-07-24T09:57:00.007-04:00

So the credit card companies are out to get me. They have jacked up interest rates, lowered my available credit, and are taking up any extra money that I was using to feed my pets and myself. I am falling apart and do not know what to do. I have tried tons of loaners, banks, and even relatives. No one can help me. My debt to income ratio is so out of whack. I call one card to talk about helping me – they automatically lower my limit which alerts the credit report agencies to look like I have maxed my cards out. Then all the other cards FREAK out and start lowering limits, jacking up fees…….which has put me in a hole. I do not know what to do. I worked for a non-profit for over 10 years so I do not make that much money. At the end of paying bills & credit cards I have $200 dollars left to live off of each month. I put 40 bucks a week in my truck just to get to work …… so you see – no money even left to eat off of.

Where did this debt come from you ask? Well – when I was younger I was engaged and planning to get married. BUT close to the date he came clean about sleeping with ANYONE who would let him and we broke it off. We had put so much stuff on my credit agreeing to pay it off together and he left me with it all. I have NOTHING to show for it either. Then after all that fun I had a roommate bail out on me to help her family with finances and she left me with a $1000 rent to pay on my own (non-profit worker at the time). So I used my credit cards to pay for rent. Helping out friends along the way by loaning money…. I am now WAY in over my head.

I have been told NO MATTER what I do…. DO NOT use a credit consolidation company. That nowadays they are ALL scammers. So do I claim bankruptcy? I have a second job right now pulling in about 300 bucks extra a month. My FT job is pretty good pay. I sell things on ebay …. But what do I do now? If you have any really good suggestions please let me know. Either comment ….. or email me at erinmelt10@aol.com

Not into becoming a stripper,...........I believe winning the lottery is not something in my fate..........and ….well I can’t be a hooker-just not in my personality. So what do I do?

oh baby!

2009-07-02T14:53:00.007-04:00

So last week on June 25th my sister had her first baby ....

Peyton Grace

weighing in at 6 lbs 4 oz.

She is a cu -uh -u- tie!

I have 2 nephews, so this is my first niece!!

I am very excited about all the dressy and fun girlie things that are to follow!

Other than that, not much has been going on.

I am trying to find a good part-time job as money is really tight right now.

I am considering waiting tables at my favorite bar .... just afraid it will make it NOT my favorite anymore.... not sure.

I hate the fact that summer is here and I may have to spend it working, but debt will do that to you!!

well that's all for now i suppose.

What a day ....

2009-06-09T14:02:00.007-04:00

well .... today has not been the best. I was woken up at midnight by a friend calling to let me know a girl whom I use to hang out with had passed away. From what they are saying she overdid the fun stuff this weekend and now is no longer with us. Not sure if she just took too many pills or on purpose .... took something. I feel very sad for her. She and I were not really friends anymore, but if I had known I would have maybe hugged her the last time I saw her.... ya know? 38 yrs old and gone now. RIP...Wendy. I sat up all night thinking about life, and just wondering what would happen if it were me. Would no one miss me for days? Who would pack up my stuff? what would people find out about me that they never knew? What have I done for others that would make my existence worthwhile? What is my purpose now?

A friend's mom passed away last month from cancer. Very sad story really. She has now taken in her mother's 3 cats and while away this week to spread her mother's ashes, one died. I, along with another girl, were taking care of them. The vet said she was just an old cat and too depressed to go on. I feel that way some times. I am actually glad i was not the one who found the cat, as i would be in the fetal position on the floor next to that sweet sweet creature. That little kitty loved her mother so much she just could not live without her. Brings tears to my eyes.

so good notes .... my sister is in her last week (hopefully) of pregnancy. Little Peyton Grace will be coming to meet us soon!! I can't wait to meet her. AND I had a biopsy done on my face ... NO CANCER!! YAY! And i ended up having a pretty good birthday regardless of finding out a little bit of info I didn't really want to know about someone close to me. All in all .... what a way to start 34. You will notice my cute younger friends thought it would be funny to mess with the years on my cake .... however they did say i will be 29 yrs old every birthday....... from this year forward!! Works for me!

sister, brother-in-law, step-dad, grand parents, Amy & Melissa, sister & mom

oh and I didn't mean to sound stupid in the earlier post. I know 20 is half way to 40, however when speaking about 30-40 .... 35 is half way. that's what i meant!!! ha :)

2009-06-04T13:07:00.013-04:00

Happy birthday to me (tomorrow)

Happy Birthday to me (at midnight)

Happy Birthday to me (I'm old)

Happy Birthday to me (this blows)

well .... at midnight I will have to tell people i am 34. I guess.... right?

I think I can pull off 28.

What do you think?

I can NOT believe I am almost half way to 40 ..... FREAKING 40.

gees .....

Every year I got bowling with friends & family which is SO much fun. Here's my cake last year ...

what a good best friend i have, she went out of her WAY to make me smile last year! LOVED IT!

Every year on my birthday i cry .... just for a little bit. My best friend and I shared the same date of birth. He died in a car accident in 1995 .... 14 years ago. And i can STILL remember the last phone conversation we had... I miss him and wish he were still alive. Happy 35th Birthday Daniel Wilson Berry.... miss you!

psst .... here i am .... I'm here... I'm here

2009-05-26T23:08:00.009-04:00

I do not have too much time to post, but realized how long it has been. I wish I could pour my heart out onto these pages, because what some of you think and say about my life actually means a lot to me. HOWEVER .... some things are just meant to be private.... so if you really want to know more I can tell you if you ask.

My life is still crazy. things seem to be getting back on track and in the direction I had hoped for, but as of this weekend I am sitting here alone, again. Trying to figure out why my "eye of ra" keeps telling me there is a lot of deception in my life. I can be told over and over again that things ARE the way they ARE..... but when you FEEL that something is not right..... well... a girl just knows.

I refuse to be a fool .... again. I have had people in my past tell me "why do you let people treat you with any less respect than you deserve?" ..... then turn around and actually DO something that hurts me and expect me to just deal. But my heart can no longer take it. A tool is a tool.... (I was told that this weekend). So my friends who have stepped, my exs who have stepped, and those who think they will be stepping in the future ....

LOOK OUT .... cause it will not be ON ME ANYMORE.

I am done,

toast,

finished,

all tapped out.....

please .... exit left and DO NOT LOOK BACK.

YOU ARE NOW IN THE TIME OUT CHAIR!!

Because I am moving on.

Period :)

Miss you blogger friends! I will be catching up on reading your blogs soon!!

so tired of being sad ....

2009-02-22T23:26:00.005-05:00

It seems each day I wake up I try to think positive.... but it never fails that I am reminded of how things are not as I wish they were. I am SO tired of feeling depressed. I ignore the good things, advances, and even gestures from others because I am so wrapped up in my consuming heart ache. In high school I could cry on command.... now I can NOT stop the tears from flowing. It is amazing to me that I let myself get so attached to anything or anyone in my life. I know that at anytime anyone I love could leave, pass away, or just not be around anymore. I believe that telling people how you feel and being honest are the only really TRUE way to having a happy full life, but to what purpose now ..... if only they choose to walk away? I am trying really hard to not become bitter. But I am tired of feeling like I am always the one being hurt. I am tired of crying alone .... crying for the one I miss ..... when i KNOW he does not feel the same. Am I just unworthy of love?

I DO deserve all the things my heart desires ----- when do I get to be happy?

looking up....

2009-02-09T22:42:00.003-05:00

I am slowly figuring out that maybe all the bad things in my life latley have been happening because God wants me to have less stress in my life. A new job .... more free time.... more groups of friends. I am trying to think positive here and really think that all the things that have been taken away ... or are changing - really caused me a lot of stress. Yes, I was happy with these things, but I never realized just how much stress on a moment to moment basis they put on me. So for now.... I am looking up (into the clouds, the moon, the sky ... where He is...) and I am thinking - I know soon I will say "thank you God" with open raised arms for all the good things that are coming ..... I know they are coming!!!!

I just need to let go of all the things I hold onto so I have two empty hands to accept what He wants me to have!!!!!!!!!!

oh what a world...

2009-02-02T19:38:00.007-05:00

well..... a fake smile is pretty much what I had on all weekend. I managed to get spend some quality time with one I desire the most .... but I am still weepy as I am unsure of how things will go and to be honest I feel like I am losing my best friend. I had a house warming party friday night, a birthday party saturday, and super bowl on sunday. I am lucky to be as busy as I am - gives me less time to think. No - I am not one of those people who needs or even enjoys time alone. I think time alone is wasted time. So here are a few pictures from the birthday party saturday night. Ignore the puffy eyes :(

I will admit that i had a good time though. I met some new people and saw some old friends that I have not seen in a while. So it was good to be out on my own. There is so much bed stuff and drama going on right now in my life... marriages ending, friendships in turmoil, sick babies, lost jobs ...... It is hard to think positive when everything is falling apart. Any words of enlightenment my dear blogging friends????

2009-01-12T21:51:00.020-05:00

hey hey hey ....

well Merry Christmas, Happy New year, and HAPPY NEW JOB for me!!

I started my new job today. Working for a compliance company... so far so good!!! Just admin work but everyone seems really nice!!

I am gonna post some pics below from Christmas, New Years, and a mountain trip. things here are getting better. I went ot chruch last sunday - first time in a long time. It's the church i grew up in so there were HUGS out the wazzu for me. I felt at home and very welcome. I plan on going more in this new year. My court date for mr. dirty mexican is January 20th. Hope he gets deported!!! Miss you all!!!!!

Christmas ... sisters, and one of my step-bros

New Years eve at Common House

And Seven devils Mountain trip

what a month...

2008-12-20T12:37:00.007-05:00

well.... i said I was going to post more often since I have SO much free time being unemployed, but I seem to have less free time. I know if i even log onto this site I will end up on it for hours looking at others posts ..... so I stay away. I hope all my blog friends are doing well. I am still job hunting and feeling very worthless right now. my severance runs out here in a few days and I will have NO money while i wait for unemployment checks to come in. First time in my life not having a job. No one is hiring right now. I am working out every day not which I am proud of. I don't want to gain back the 40lbs I lost this past year .....

Family is trying to be supportive. I have a smile on when anyone looks at me ..... maybe I should let them know just how depressed I am. I just hate for anyone to worry, but one more bad thing .... will push me over the edge.

oh ..... so last week I was shopping at TJMaxx. I went to leave the store and like 10 cops stopped me and asked me to wait before i left. I then noticed them cuffing a Latino man that i had noticed following me around the store. The police then asked me to step into the office to take a look at some video. well..... I was in for a surprise. The man had been following me around the store and when i would turn my back he would either take a picture of me .... OR DUCK UNDER A RACK and try to TOUCH ME. 5 times he hid..... and 5 times .... I moved just in time for him not to get his hands on me. He did however crawl on his hands and knees into the isle and manage to put his face close enough to my BUTT to kiss it ... (almost). I was in SHOCK. They arrested him for assault .... getting that close .... is assault here. If i had turned around and seen his face near me ..... I don't know what i would have done. He had pictures on his phone up women's skirts. ..... tons of them. Poor women. I am just glad he didn't actually touch me. I am not sure what that would have done to me mentally.

well...... I am off to weep.

2008-12-04T22:12:00.005-05:00

Hello all........... you would think with all this free time from the layoff i would be on this thing and blog central all the time, but I spend ALL my time looking for a job. This really stinks.

I did get at attend a charity event with my best friend the other night. Second String Santa. here is one pic from it. Funny that out of like tons of pics THIS ONE ended up in the paper. All those pretty women showing tons of boobs and this was the pic they printed!! YAY!

So that's about it for me. I will be looking at my favorite webpages here sometime soon! So I am sure i have some catching up to do!

Love you all!!!

rain rain .....

2008-11-14T12:37:00.013-05:00

go away!!!!

I love rain ... when i am home with nothing to do. BUT when I have errands to run and a planned night out that may get cancelled, well ..... GO AWAY!!

Maybe this is God's way of telling me a few things. Maybe I should be happy I can put my hair in a pony tail when I get home, open the windows, enjoy the cats, and snuggle with my honey instead of going to the bar ..... maybe.

From God to lil me on a rainy day:

1. Hey speed racer .... slow down. (rain and leaves do not help my pickup truck stop quickly...errr.... **crash**!)

2. Hot rolled your hair this morning eh? ... ha .... here comes the rain!

3. Errands can wait, take a break to just enjoy the cleansing rain.

4. Eat lunch from the fridge and save some money!! (I go out way too much)

5. The local pub can live without you for a night! Stay home!!

well..... we will see. Maybe we can get tixs to the Bobcats basketball game instead!! that would be fun! Tomorrow night (rain or not) is Champagne Saturday at Amy & Billy's!! LOVE IT!!

have a good weekend!

my weekend ....

2008-11-10T13:11:00.011-05:00

well... my weekend was pretty laid back. Went to a jewelry party at my BFF's house friday night ... no money makes for a sad girl when there are pretty jewels for sale. I left there and headed to Thomas Street Tavern for Chip's b-day!! YAY

Saturday consist i spent about 4 hours at the mall then headed to the White Water Center for the oyster (yuck) roast with Jen & Cole. Got there in time to grab a cold beer before the weather got cold. We managed to take over a fire pit and enjoyed the beginning of the evening. Later I headed to Terri's house for a random get together.... pretty uneventful.

All in all ....Things are looking up!! I am very hopeful and happy today!!

I got tagged ....

2008-11-06T11:41:00.009-05:00

so I got tagged a while back by my new and most favorite blogger, Far at http://everydaysoap.blogspot.com/ , and then again today by Christine at http://thehumblepen.blogspot.com/ so to make the heavy post of the other day move further down my page i will play this game.

Ok so here's how the game works:
*Link to the person that tagged you (did that above)
*Post the rules on your blog
*Share six interesting things/habits/quirks about yourself - anything that comes to mind.
*Tag six people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs ... people you would like to know things about.
*Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

6 random things about me:

1) I love to drive fast. I drive a pick up truck and I LOVE to put on my baseball cap, roll the windows down, turn the music up... and SPEED!!
2) I love to cook.... for my man ...all kinds of food... love pasta and the more cheese the better!
3) I was hit by a drunk driver years ago and REALLY thought when it happened we were being bombed. It was horrible, but when the spinning finally stopped I was actually Glad to find out it was just some drunk Mexican and not the end of the world! I recovered pretty quickly
4) My best friend died 13 years ago... I miss him just as much today as I did the day he died. I still talk to him sometimes when i am alone. I hope he hears me ... and I can't WAIT until I get to see him in heaven.
5) I wish I had better legs. I hate my legs ..... when people talk about cankles .... well, that's me. I never wear shorts or short skirts and I HATE IT. But they are just not attractive and no matter how many trainers i work out with.... they are just gonna be that way.
6) I love Jesus. I am not a bible beater.... but I love the Lord. I am thankful on a daily basis to the point of tears. I know my life is not all I want it to be right now, but my faith makes my heart happy enough to look forward and know that no matter what i go through - the arms of Jesus are around me. And for my friends who do not believe.... i pray for you daily ... cause MY heaven would not be complete without YOU!!!

now it's time to tag 6 others: (forgive me and you don't HAVE to do it!)

http://work-girl.blogspot.com/

http://kristengoetz.blogspot.com/

http://makemineamojito.blogspot.com/

http://madison-lush.blogspot.com/

http://theabsolutearena.blogspot.com/

http://www.jarada.bravejournal.com/

the costume .....

2008-11-02T00:20:00.021-04:00

so first I thought a few pics from my halloween party would be good to post. I DID make my costume myself .... and in person it looked SO great. I am actually really proud of myself.

So tell me what you think of my HOMEMADE costume :)

ok - so few pics - we had reno 911, Olympic Gymnast, Teen Wolf, Jose Q, a bearded taco ..... and well lots of SLUTS!!!

did i really agree to this?

2008-10-27T17:20:00.007-04:00

ok.... so in hunting for Halloween costumes this weekend we ran into some major issues like:

(1) VERY cheap looking costumes for WAY too much money

(2) not too many good ones for couples

(3) lack of time and stores.

(4) we ended up actually fighting due to the pressure.... :(

So in the heat of looking I agreed that if my beau could just find something HE liked I would do whatever to make it a couples costume. Well, me and my big mouth got me into the tackiest costume .... (This was not HIS first choice, but it made us BOTH laugh so hard that we HAD to do it!)

YES, that is a SNAKE coming out of the crotch area of the man's costume. And NOOOOOOOO the female costume does NOT look like that in person. It's HORRIBLE. So i returned mine and he has yet to know that I am actually going to make my own...... yes .... I WILL make a costume. Pray for me :) Pictures to follow next weekend!!

my point of view...from my phone

2008-10-20T17:08:00.025-04:00

So my Saturday afternoons generally consists of sitting at the local coffee shop while my beau does some work on his laptop. And just lately have I had access to a computer myself to do some web surfing, but this weekend I couldn't get connected. I normally read my book but forgot it ..... so I cleaned out my cell phone. Yeah, fun right? I hate it when I have a persons number but i have no clue who they are .... David??? Scott??? Sarah??? who are you guys? DELETE :)

Anyhoo...I figured a good post would be "pictures from my phone". So here are a few (and yes ... there are some I can not post due to .... .well... "for my eyes only" content) But here are a good handful..

I would love to see some of yours .... so let me know if you post any!

Lethargic or in love?

2008-10-16T13:23:00.019-04:00

My cat has diabetes and I started giving him injections on Monday. He was acting like he felt well but kind of silly and overly loving. I called the vet and asked what signs I should be looking for in the cat as to show a bad reaction or low glucose.

Vet said "is the cat acting lethargic?"

I said "well, he's laying around, drools on me, and wants to fall all over me"

Vet said "well you better bring him in... sounds bad"

I laughed and said "but he always acts this way"

Vet said "he must just be in love"

So it got me to thinking. Being in love is a lot like being lethargic (Lacking mental and physical alertness and activity, sluggish, out of it). It is amazing that when you are "in love" sometimes you do not react to things the way normally would. I step back and look over past relationships and think "what was I thinking?". Too bad for me that I can't blame it on a drug induced lethargic state. I have no excuse other than i was "blinded by love".

But is that possible - to be blinded by love? Do we let people walk all over us when we are "in love"? And is it really love if we are willing to let that person walk on us?

just cause it's funny

2008-10-14T15:02:00.007-04:00

I found this website where you can turn your photos into motivational posters (or De-motivational) and this one is just too funny (well I think it is) ....

BUT I LOOK LIKE CRAP ......
here's the site ... if you create any. Please let me know!!!

http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/motivator.php#

leave me a comment if you make one!!!

Always a bridesmaid ...never a bride......really????

2008-10-13T15:47:00.021-04:00

I have been a bridesmaid in over 15 weddings. I generally brag about it because it is nice to look back and think that all of those girls wanted me by their side on the big day. But now .... here in my thirties and STILL single.... I look back and wonder if it will ever be me. YES - I shout at the top of my lungs - I WANT TO BE MARRIED ONE DAY. I really wish I had a crystal ball that I could look into just to get an idea of what the future holds.....

so my reason for this post was to put up some fun pics. Cause I love pictures. Here are a few from my the last wedding!!! and then a few from some that I found from past ones!

Jennie & Cole ..... LOVED IT!!

Here are a few from past weddings .... Terri & Gregg

erin & todd (bf!!)

EEM's thought for the day ....

2008-10-08T10:10:00.004-04:00

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

I feel like this is something I need to read a couple times throughout most days. It is amazing how instead of focusing on the next amazing thing that might happen in my future, I focus on the pain of whatever has been taken away. I waste so much time thinking about the past, my mistakes, others who did me wrong, and why I am where I think I need to be in life. I know i should be grateful to wake up each morning, happy that i am healthy, overjoyed that I have a great family and friends, and all in all just thankful that my life is pretty good.

God does not punish by taking away things ..... he does free you up for the nest thing in your life. I am reading "Loving Yourself" right now and am amazed at how the writer seems to put things into words that MOVE me so much. ok, well that's my post for today. Just something i wanted to jot down.

about me .... (only because a few of you asked)

2008-09-30T16:15:00.026-04:00

My favorite things ....and some stuff about me.
I have lived in Charlotte almost my entire life. South Charlotte to be precise. Love it here and only once considered moving away.... but the Queen City kept me here. I have loved watching it change and grow.

I am the middle of 3 girls .... all two years apart and if not born sisters, we would have been friends. I am also the middle of a total of 7 children brought together through a marriage that only God could have planned for. I love my Step father and the way he loves my mother. He can be a pain sometimes though just like any good dad.

I have two little critters at home that are my babies!!

Pee Pee (aka: doodie or master P) and LuLu (aka: Squirrely or TaTa). My older sweet cat - Tigger - passed away last year from cancer and poor Master P just needed a new buddy, so that's how we found LuLu.

I love my job, work for non-profit..... that's all I am really gonna say as I would HATE to lose my job over blogging. I work with some amazing people. I get many opportunities to spend time with people in the community that i would not if it were not for the company. I am glad I can pray, listen to Christian music, and if needed..... cry at my desk and not worry about getting fired!!

I am dating someone whom will remain nameless on here for now. But he is wonderful!

I am so lucky to have a massive amount of friends (most who do not even know I have this blog.... because they love to massacre my myspace & facebook pages). I love to hang out, grill out, chill out, go out, do just about anything this group can come up with. My weekends consist of mostly time with the beau and either night’s downtown in Charlotte somewhere or at a friend’s house playing cornhole, card games, or G Hero!

I love coffee.....love to walk to get coffee. I will walk anywhere if I have a buddy. I love within walking distance of two coffee shops and the best cheese burger place ever!! I love to wear baseball caps too.... a week doesn't go by without me wearing one!!

Last but not least....my faith is what makes me who I am. I am not a bible beater, but a reader. I do believe that everyone has a purpose and it is HIS purpose. I have many friends from many religions and I never pass up a chance to learn about what others think. I wake up every morning thanking God for everything in my life!! well..... that's about it for now.

Break it down ....

2008-09-02T11:02:00.013-04:00

So my nice long weekend consisted of rock band, adult beverages, football games, and break dancing! Yes, I said it - BREAK DANCING !!! We partied Friday night at Marshall's for Reza's brithday. Saturday we watched football at Ed's Tavern (while watching Mel drown her phone in mustard). Sunday night was a break dancing competion at Breakfast Club. How amazed I was at how much FUN that was. To be in a place with such a wide range of people... no fighting.... no one being rude.... it was amazing. Here are a few pictures and I will be adding more as I get them. Only have a few of the actual competition. Why can't we all just break dance??? ha

just for fun... random pictures

2008-08-20T13:25:00.011-04:00

........ ..........

my best friend's babies!!!

oh what a life.....

2008-08-11T16:21:00.006-04:00

It amazes me how in the course of a few hours I can actually experience SO many emotions. Most of which are self inflicted. Some good and some bad. Any time i have a second to stop and just think... I tend to go to the bad stuff instead of good. Like thinking about how BADLY things could go, instead of how great my life generally is. I have been told for the past few days by many people - that I need to realize just how wonderful I really am, instead of constantly worrying that I am not enough, not worthy of love, or just being mean to myself. I am my biggest enemy. I know this about myself. I can look in the mirror and tell myself that I am great and deserve to be happy, but at the same time I am not actually looking at myself ... just through me. I am SO good at filling others tanks... building them up... taking care of others. But I am so mean and uncaring of myself. I know this is something that may never change for me. But I hope sooner than later I do on some level decide that I am worth more than what I think now. I heard a radio message the other day ....
"take one day this week and write down everything negative that you think about yourself for 24 hours. Then take that paper and give it to your best friend. Tell them it is about THEM and not you and see if they would still be your friend. See just how they react to all those negative things."
Funny because today my day went like this so far
1. you are old and this body is just not going to get any better
2. why can you not be better looking?
3. no wonder you can't keep a boyfriend
4. don't eat that for breakfast ... you are already fat enough
5. you will be alone.... forever (this one comes a few times when I walk past a mirror)
6. God, please just make me someone else
7. those guys are only looking at you because they are laughing not because you are pretty
8.you are not good enough for him...
the list actually goes on. but when i type it I think .... I would NEVER say or even THINK any of these things about my friends. WHY am I not my own friend? What can I do to change this?????

What I could have done last year .....

2008-07-18T09:59:00.005-04:00

I get emails every morning with a verse, thought, and smile for the morning from this website www.thisdaysthought.org - this mornings thought was:

A year from now you may wish you had started today.

I am just sitting here pondering how I may feel a year from now and all the things I may have wished I had done. Of course in this process I can only look back a year and see where i was and what I had wished I had done THEN!! Last year this time I was ....

I will come back and finish this later!

Mount Rushmore

2008-07-17T15:31:00.004-04:00

Today is a glorious day ..... I mean that, regardless of the fact that I am SO tired today. Visiting one of our YMCA camps yesterday had me worn out last night and then a 3am phone call from my guy caused my sleep to be less than enough today. but still..... it is a wonderful day.

Our devotion here at work on Monday had us list people in our lives that might make the faces of our Mount Rushmore. Of course in thinking about it my mountain of faces would be massive, but the first few names that opped into my head were Kelly Jones, Katie Moss (Walters), Erin Duke, Norma Dowless, and Jim Long.

Kelly Jones, is the mother of my God Daughter. I have learned many things from her in the past 16 years of knowing her. She is my friend. My crazy, crying, laughing, coo coo friend. Going through life changes with her have made me realize I am more grown up than I think I am. Shelby, my God Daughter's face would have to be right next to Kelly's on the mountain. That child has taught me more about myself than anyone ever could. I do not pray harder or want MORE for any person on this earth than I do her. I love her with all of my heart.

Katie Moss... well what do I say about her. She has always had this big overflowing heart full of love for people. I have wanted to be like her for many years. I look at her life now and am excited that I get ot say we are friends. Even if we only talk every few months I KNOW there is a place in her heart for me that never gets any smaller. She has married and wonderful guy, made 3 beautiful babies, and still manages to stay centered in the middle of it all. Eyes always focused on the cross. She is my sister, in Christ.

Erin duke, my best friend and if given the choice, sister by heart. She and I are so much alike but at such different times. She calms me and listens when I need her. She talks when I ask. She never ever tells me my thoughts are wrong or strange. She calls me out when I am being horrible. And when it's my turn to do all of the above for her, she lets me know JUST how much she needs me and is thankful for me. She knows that when I say I love her..... I mean it with all of my heart. She amazes me with all the things she has going on in her life. And if she won the lottery tomorrow I KNOW she'd share it with me. The past few years would have been So horrible if I hadn't been friends with her. I thank God every morning for allowing us to be such good friends. If you must take everything I own...... please let me keep my best friend.

Norma Dowless, mother of the boys I grew up with. I did not realize until a few years ago just how much she did for us growing up. The house was always unlocked. there was always food there if we were hungry. And she always had a hug BEFORE she saw the tears coming. I know that we were her daughters. She always made us feel loved.

Jim Long, was my boss a few jobs back. Loved his employees like family. Always cared about your life more than if your work was done. he is such a wonderful loving person and fortunately for me, I knew him when I was younger but we didn't realize it until after working together for years. I am honored that I got to work with him.

so those are just a few of my Mount Rushmore faces.